Literary Punishment – Juneau, Alaska – [08/12/2015]

Of all the fantasy authoEntering-Narniars out there, CS Lewis still strikes me as the cruelest.

Not necessarily to his readers, but to his characters.

I am sure that there are those who would argue that someone like GRR Martin would rightfully top that scale, but I respectfully disagree. Let’s – as Susan Penvensie w ould say – look at this ‘logically’

Martin – bathes in the blood of his characters, but that’s just it – he just kills them. You learn quickly not to be attatched because of that. But they’re just dead. For the most part.

Barrie – Neverland makes you forget and if you leave and grow up you forget you were ever there (“See that man with the briefcase who doesn’t know what story to tell his children? That used to be John” – Peter Pan)

Carroll – Wonderland is a dream (or possibly a drug trip if you believe some theories)

Eddings – characters always live to their destiny and pretty much get the happy ever after

G.G Kay – political, characters come out a bit scathed, but see destiny thing. Also, those that are dead, are just dead.

But Lewis? Lewis will not allow his characters to forget. More than any phyiscal torture, not being able to forget…think of what that would do to you, what it would do to your soul, your entire sense of being – who would you be? An adult, a powerful adult, trapped in a child’s body, forced to grow up all over again ,to go through it all over again – and to never ever be able to talk about what you’ve done, what you’ve accomplished, what you’ve seen…to watch the world fail and flail and fall around you and know that once you could have fixed that, that once you did fix it…and now you’re 14 and stuck…and you can’t ever forget that.

Cruelest words ever spoken in fantasy:

“Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia”

And why would you ever go back? Why? Except that you had forgotten the “real” world, and by the time you remembered it was already too late. You could forget on one side of the wardrobe, but not the other. C.S Lewis gave his characters the world and then expelled them from it…and then forced them to remember forever what they had lost. And most of them never are allowed to return to that world…one is expelled forever simply for the crime of forcing herself to move on (ah the ‘problem’ of Susan).

I dedicated one of my most popular posts to the idea that Susan was in fact the smart one in the Pevensie family, that she alone had the courage to force herself to forget what she could no longer have. To block out what had been stolen from her. I felt sorry for Susan as a child, now I admire her backbone. She got on with her life. What other choice would you have?

But it’s not just the Pevensie family. People who have only seen the movie trilogy don’t realize the fact that the Professor of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is in fact Diggory from the (in reading order not publication order) first book. The wardrobe itself is made of the wood from a tree that sprang from an apple that was birthed when Narnia was young; a tree that tumbled in a London windstorm, and Diggory who was unable to forget his time in Narnia, could not bear to have the only physical reminder of his time there turned into kindling, so he turned it into a wardrobe in his great house in the country.

Lewis tortured his characters.

My apologies for the random literary rant, this is what happens when you spend your IPM day working on cross-stitch and half-watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

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Ice Cream – Skagway, Alaska – [08/13/2015]

freespiritvintageWhat a day to be together
And what a sky of blue
And what a day for holding hands and
Bein’ with you

Or

Now my heart hears music
Such a simple song
Sing it again the notes never end
This is where I belong!
So you can rev’ her up, don’t go slow
It’s only green lights and alrights…

Some days you don’t need a whole lot. We become a strange kind of domestic out here. We wake up, we share breakfast, we go to work – pretty much like everyone else. The only difference is that work for us tends to be a bit more…exotic than other places.

It’s true that after a while – sometimes a long while, sometimes a short while – you get tired of the blue floors and the white walls (which the guests never see, their part of the ship is lush and carpeted and beautiful, ours…well it’s functional), and you start thinking that maybe, just maybe that it’s time to move onto other pastures. Not necessarily greener ones, just other ones. I’m not quite there yet, although I’ll admit to being able to see the shadows of white picket fences and bright blue doors lapping at the corners of my daydreams.

But that doesn’t change the fact that our lives out here have a peculiar kind of magic, there is a painful kind of freedom to being rootless; when the only thing anchoring you in the world is the people around you, and the person whose hand is in yours.

Which sounds awfully melancholy considering that the Alaskan sunshine has long since burned off the morning chill and I actually had one of those beautifully calm days where you really don’t need anything except a sidewalk to amble down and someone to talk to. Oh and ice cream, ice cream always helps. So do toasted bagels with smoked salmon spread (man that stuff is rich..), oh and hematite, and Disney/Alaska t-shirts that just happened to be on sale and in my size…I am easily pleased.

I will admit I was somewhat afraid to come to Alaska; it always brings me big things, new friendships, old friendships, occasionally friendships that completely change the course of my life (I met Amras in Alaska…just as an example). Careers shift, hearts change, silences break (sometimes with near painful results), silences start…I never know what the season may bring waiting for me at the bottom of a glacier.

But this season? Despite the fact that there have been a few moments of feeling like I was tumbling out of a tower in a Tarot Deck, it seems that what was waiting for me was all good things: acceptance, sunshine, oceans like glass, hematite…and chocolate chip mint ice cream.

It’s really…all about the ice cream.

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Snookered II – Haines, Alaska – [08/05/2015]

ec291e7d75b256befcf09b9823e3908fRight now, he’s probably behind her,
Balancing a pool cue
Teachin’ her how to shoot a combo…

Pool in Haines has become a tradition – what has also become traditional is that I usually lose. There have been games where I get locked out so badly that I don’t get a single shot after the break. I kid you not. Then there’s that random moment where things shift sideways…

You know, if you tell yourself you’re going to lose you will…you can totally do this.

I…

*ahem*

Okay…maybe I can.

There hit a point where I just looked at the table and couldn’t see a thing. I mean that’s not quite right, I could see the angles, I could see which ball was going to go where – but I couldn’t figure out how to strike them right; I was either using too much force or too little, and so every shot ricocheted. Finally I just looked at Amras and said

Okay…what would you do?

This is probably the first time I’ve actually asked him for help, I’m really way too proud; but I was at this point totally and utterly stuck. So he told me, and I actually put my stubbornness aside and listened…

Click…click…drop

Oh…so that’s how you do it.

Okay so it wasn’t that simple, it took me several tries to figure out what I was looking at; and I am still far from the best at concentrating on lining up a shot – Amras says my biggest problem is that I don’t take the time to think my shots through properly. When I do stop and work them through in my head, they actually do tend to go where I want them to. Or at least they’re starting to. This was something of a surprise to me as usually the games end up with him shooting for the 8 ball and me with five colours still on the table. This time, we were both aiming for the 8.

Your shot hun…

And he steps back from the table to take a sip of his beer and continue the conversation he was having with one of the other musicians who was hanging out at the same bar as us; I line up the shot, take a very deep breath…and send the 8 ball spinning perfectly into the side pocket.

For a second I just kind of stood there staring at where it had disappeared.

Did I…really just do that?

Good game ma’am

And he just grins at me, obviously rather proud.

I won! I actually won all on my own! I don’t think I’ve ever done that before..

Aaaand what does that mean you get to say to me?

And I stand so that I’m nose to nose with him; and say without any menace whatsoever, what he has been saying to me for the last three weeks’ worth of games:

Rack ‘em up…loser

Sometimes it is absolutely about the little things.

Like winning 4 out of 7 games…

 

Posted in Alaska, Northern Exposure 2015 | 2 Comments

Chinese Whispers – Glacier Bay, Alaska – [08/04/2015]

If there’s one thing I wish dollI wasn’t prone to, it’s laryngitis. My voice can sing until the end of time, but if I’m on a contract where I talk too much and there is even the slightest little hint of a cold going around it’s going to grab me by the vocal chords and pull…and it comes on sudden, I had a voice last night, I don’t have much of one this morning.

Sadly, I’ve become rather used to this; at the advice of the HRM, I took myself down to medical who put me on vocal rest until my voice recovered; I printed up the sign for my desk advising guests to please not be offended by my attempts at silence…(which is oft times useless, as people read it then ignore it…)

The thing is, when you never get sick – or at least when you never admit it – no one quite knows how to react when you do.

Amras has been brilliant about it, making me laugh (silently) and chiding me when I get carried away and try to speak (which results in a sound that is something like what I imagine a frog would make if it tried to form words), he’s worked with me before when I’ve been speechless and he knows how hard I take it – so he’s very careful not to laugh at me. Instead we have bizarre conversations that are half in made-up sign language and half in a hoarse whisper that can only be heard when there’s no one else talking in the area. He even took over ordering for me at dinner, and answering questions for guests who stopped me in the hallway

She can’t speak right now, can I help you?

I did have one guest try to speak to me in sign language which I wish I understood but do not. I don’t quite understand why people feel that people who have laryngitis can’t hear…I can hear you just fine, I just can’t respond properly at the moment.

The thing is, I don’t get sick – or at least not out here. I get sick at home, on vacation, when I can afford it. Out here? It’s not an option. If medical ever offers me light duty I turn them down, because I’m here to do a job, I don’t report in if I know what’s wrong and yes I self-medicate; I work hard never to let the clockwork break down.

What people don’t understand is that when I lose my voice I feel like a broken doll. I feel trapped in my own brain, not just because I can’t talk – I mean I’m perfectly happy not talking; but I can’t sing, can’t hum, can’t make a sound…

You’re gonna die screaming but you won’t be heard…

My current Cruise Director gets it, since she’s a singer herself, and has been plying me with throat coat tea and lozenges, which is much appreciated. She advised that I use the time I’m forced to be silent to read, or to meditate, or to even just listen to music without singing along. It’s nice when someone in your management team genuinely has your back like that. Doesn’t really happen all that often.

In my previous experience this usually lasts between 3 days to (in its worst case, like on the flagship a few seasons ago) a week…I’m hoping that this will be on the shorter end of the scale.

After all, places to do things to see…

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Along the Way – Glacier Bay – [07/31/2015]

missdiorcherie

I have been a rover
 I have walked alone
Hiked a hundred highways
Never found a home
Still in all I’m happy
The reason is you see
once in a while, along the way
Life’s been good to me..

I still find it difficult to believe it’s been five years since I walked up my first gangway; terrified and exhilarated and having no idea whatsoever what to expect. I remember the faces from that time, but not the names – save for a very small handful, the names are long gone, and the people who helped train me are long since shore-side. Silv said to me once that coming to ships has made me the woman she always saw I would become, but that I never saw in myself; perhaps that’s true. It’s definitely changed me, I like to think those changes have been for the better – though there are a few cases where I’m not sure.

But I have things now I never thought I would have. I have a job I love, that I’m good at, I have the possibility of opportunities for other jobs (the new casting company is auditioning in New York in two seasons, and this time I have the money), and should I choose to stay where I am; there are improvements on the horizon that I’m actually excited about. The books are doing well, I’m writing fiction again, I’m reading again, I’m sleeping at night (something which, during my time on the flagship was becoming scarce – I didn’t so much sleep there as just pass out). And I’m not in life alone anymore, and I’m finding out just how huge a difference it makes when you’re facing everything the world throws at you with someone’s hand in yours. Even gypsies don’t feel so lonely if they’re not the only drivers in the caravan.

Amras and I often sit and watch the news while we have dinner down in the crew mess, and the state of the world makes me want to scream and weep and argue; because I don’t understand it, I will never understand it. I don’t think the day will come when I ever completely accept it…but deep down, I feel perhaps dangerously isolated from it, because in my little tiny corner of the world? There is love, and contentment and something that almost resembles a very dear kind of prosperity.

And maybe that will be enough one day, maybe if enough of us little tiny insignificant people get it right…the bigger picture will follow suit.

What I do know for certain? I may still be a rover, but I don’t walk alone…and right now? Life is being very very good to me.

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Hey Bartender – At Sea – [07/28/2015]

Profound-Bartender-5And as cliché as it may sound
I’d like to raise another round
And if your bottle’s empty help yourself to mine
Thank you for your time
And here’s to life!

In the middle of my busiest morning so far this cruise, my office phone rings, causing me to jump a few inches in the air because no one really ever calls me in the middle of the morning in the middle of a sea day.

Library & Café, Shaughnessy speaking how can I help you?

Hey hun, so…I signed us up for bartending tonight…

You did…what? What time?

Um, midnight.

That’s so way later than I was planning on staying…

Yeah well it was the only shift available…

I was on again off again fuming at Amras for the rest of the day. After you’ve worked a full sea day, the last thing you usually feel like doing is going out, and I wasn’t even certain that I wanted to go to the crew party, I had vague intentions of making a sort of swing through right after work and then going home and crashing…which probably isn’t what would have ended up happening but it was kind of my plan. Instead, midnight found me behind the bar…doing something I haven’t done in a seriously long time.

I bartended my way through my performance degree in England. I would come home from pulling an all-nighter without having consumed a drop of beer or handled a single cigarette but smelling as if I’d had a bottle and a pack dropped over my head; fall into a shower, collapse and do it all again the next night. Amras had remembered this, and had somehow remembered the part of it that he must have picked up from conversations with me but that I had actually forgotten:

  • I loved it
  • I was good at it…really good.

Back in the day I could tend bar for a wedding of a 150 almost by myself. And the ironic thing is, I did it in the same outfit I now wear to crew parties; so once I got behind the bar and Amras handed me a bottle opener, it took me about ten minutes to shake off the rust – and then it was just like stepping back in time. After a while, your fingers forget to go numb from plunging into the ice, you forget that your hands are slippery from holding onto the wet bottles, and you remember that you can scamper in high heels in any lighting, past any obstacle, and that half the fun of being a female bartender is letting yourself be observed (how do you think I went on vacation on tip money?), and you find yourself almost reaching for the permanent bottle opener that you’re used to having under the bar, before remembering that oh right this isn’t that, this isn’t then…

Yo Gab, I need another San Miguel up here…

Coming up…

Do we have Corona?

NO! We ran out ten minutes ago, no coolers either.

About half way through the night I leaned over to Amras and said thank you, at which point he just grinned like a shark and said “you’re welcome”

I forgot…I’m bloody good at this.

Yeah, I know!

Oh stop looking so damn smug…

My personal favourite moment, because you always keep an ear on the rest of the bar even if you’re working your own station.

Jeeze, what is the trick to these damn openers.

Here Gabe, slide over

And I step reach over, without breaking stride, flip the caps off the two bottles that aren’t co-operating, slide them across the table and turn back to my own station almost all in one motion.

Like climbing back on a bicycle.

I hate it when Amras is right…

 

 

 

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Wonder as I Wander – Ketchikan, Alaska – [07/24/2015]

39265893-daydreamSometimes I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live out here, in Alaska I mean, not on the ship.

It’s an oddly tempting prospect sometimes; to be so far away from everything and surrounded by so much beauty. Out here you seem so far away from everything that plagues the world. And in the winter time the community creativity kicks up and there are plays and music jams and poetry readings…because there is little else to do when the biting cold keeps the tourists away. At least that’s what we’re told, I’m sure of course that it’s different and harsher than that; the winters up here would be freezing and probably very lonely…

But with the right person…or persons…

I don’t know, I just sometimes wonder. Wonder if I could settle somewhere, with…well…with someone. I’m hesitant to admit that that’s what I want, because it’s always seemed like such an impossible concept for me, but as of late I find myself…wondering a little more than I used to.

I’m often saying I want to retreat from the world, and out here with the trees and the water and the wolves in the distance…with a natural battery that I can plug into whenever I need it…that has its appeal. At times.

A million miles away, behind a door that closes, and a lock that locks…

Yes, it’s appealing…at times, very appealing.

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State Fair – Haines, Alaska – [07/22/2015]

whitefangHaines is a quiet little place, but I’ve found over the last few weeks that I really like the feel of it – it’s the kind of place where, if you were born here, everyone knows you – everyone comes to your birth, your wedding, and yes one day…they all come to celebrate that life too. I don’t know that I could live here, but I really enjoy visiting here, it’s a laid back kind of day that involves a lot of walking, some talking – some discussing, and then, every so often, something unexpected.

Amras is always surprising me, I’m never quite sure what he’s going to surprise me with; I mean this is the guy who once gave me an entire city for my birthday; but even in a quiet little place like Haines, which has literally nothing to offer except an old military fort, two bars and a bookstore, he still finds something. Boy knows me far too well.

‘Dalton City’ lies outside of town by about a half hour walk, past the local health food market (mmm…molasses cookies!) and really somewhat out in the middle of nowhere. It’s located on the fairgrounds that will house the Alaska State Fair next week, but since the set up hasn’t even begun yet, it’s got that deliciously eerie almost-abandoned feeling that empty fairgrounds often have after the rides have gone silent and the Carmel corn is no more than a memory of a scent in the air. But Dalton City isn’t necessarily part of the fair, the whole place – which is less than a block – is open year round, but the catch is, that it’s not real. It’s a movie set. It’s the 1890s gold rush town that was originally built by Disney for the movie White Fang in the 80s…trust Amras to find a Disney connection for me in the middle of nowhere in Alaska! The paint is peeling and there’s little there except a really funky coffee shop and an awesome ‘festival wear’ shop (I was so close to buying an absolutely adorable black and white mini-skirt, but chickened out at the last moment because it was just that touch too pricey) – but the place feels cool.

The woman who ran the festival shop – which feels as if you just walked into the 60s crossed with the 80s – was somewhat startled when we walked in, I suppose she doesn’t get many customers when the fair itself isn’t running. There was the usual chit chat about where are you from and what do you do…and then

You guys musicians?

And Amras and I look at each other..

Do we have that look?

I work festivals, I know the vibe…you guys have the vibe…

We found that really kind of cool. Well, especially me as it’s always pleasant to be recognized for being a performer when you in fact are not currently employed as one.

Off on the boundaries of the ‘city’, beyond the looming echoing structure of what will be the fair stage pavilion, and past the empty stalls of the barn (which next week will house everything from horses and cattle to goats and sheep I imagine), the rickety half-built construction of a Ferris wheel and what looks to be a merry-go-round tilt precariously towards one side, waiting for someone to make them secure again. There is something sad about old fair rides, as if they are trying to remember something that their old metal bones have forgotten.

Once we’d had our fill of childhood movie history (ooh the days of VHS! Remember what the movie trailers used to look like! Coming soon to a theatre near you!), we headed back into town for lunch, which consisted of bar food at the local place we’ve taken to going to.

We still doing a tie-breaker?

Yup

I’m not sure I’m ready for a slaughter..

Although I’ll admit this time around the pool table was not as much of a slaughter as it has been previously. I’m definitely improving, at one point I was actually shooting for the 8-ball first, which is where we ran into our one and only snag; Amras plays that you call the 8-ball, you don’t have to call anything else, but when you’re only shooting for the 8, you call. I was raised with never having the pressure of calling shots, ever. Family game, you only called pockets if you were showing off, so I dug my heels in; but only for a little while, until I finally settled down and said,

Okay, you want me to call pockets? You teach me, because I honestly don’t know how

Things were easier after that, though I did still lose the game – scratched on the 8, dammit! I suspect that I play the way I do because I learned to play when I was so young that I had to be picked up to reach the table, therefore I always end up hooking my shot as if I were shooting around someone instead of straight back and forth. Early engrained habits, I’m used to it – but it drives people who are playing with me nuts at first!

Anyway, I still lost, but not by as much as usual! There is something to be said for that!

So, what’s next…

Dunno, too early to head back really…

Well, there’s always the distillery…

Ooooh…I dunno…

But we went, and I was still hemming and hawing about whether or not I wanted anything when I heard Amras make the order and the glass of Absinthe was set down in front of me. This stuff is locally made, and while you don’t actually get much of a buzz off of it, it packs a punch as far as taste goes – if you’re a black licorice fan, you will love the green fairy. I always feel like I should be in some speak-easy or in a nightclub in Paris when I’m drinking it…

It’s true that Alaska can be a bit repetitive, but at the same time, you never really know what might be waiting at the base of the next mountain…

 

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On Ice – Glacier Bay – [07/21/2015]

winter_whispers_by_enchantedwhispersart-d88s9l4I have personally always thought people who take part in the ‘polar bear plunge’ are insane; I did a similar thing in high school – wherein you run into the Pacific in the early spring and then just as swiftly run back out again because the Pacific is well…colder than a polar bear’s paw…I never saw anyone last more than a few minutes. That was back when I had a better tolerance for the cold. Not so much now.

But today is our DJ’s last day on board and he asked as much of the entertainment department out to take part in what is really only a five second event of craziness. Since the band was neither scheduled nor requested, Amras just watched me bemusedly as I made my way to the pool deck

You’re not seriously going in are you?

Don’t know yet, I put the suit on in case I end up getting pushed…you never know

But as it turned out, I just joined the rest of the line of us, shivering along the edge of the outdoor aft deck pool, and watched said DJ throw not one but two buckets of ice into the already unheated water…while to either side of us the glistening chilled waters of Glacier Bay spread wide. I looked from one side to the other, not quite believing I was actually going to do this…

But I was, and I did…and freya was that water ever cold. Just as I remembered from high school it was a very fast in and out procedure. Splash, squeal, scurry. And then wrap yourself in a towel very quickly so that the weak Alaska sunshine can dry you off enough to get dressed; so that you can run quickly back to your cabin and throw yourself in a piping hot shower.

 

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Tangled – Seward, Alaska – [07/19/2015]

steampunk_sleeping_beauty_by_juli_snowwhite-d2sx4zmMy mother told me once that I was very good with knots. I can untangle an embroidery thread without a snag and carefully pick the tangles out of a fine golden chain without snapping any of the teeny tiny links holding it all together. I’m good with knots.

But some are more difficult than others. The tangles of people’s reactions for instance, the spider web of reactions within reactions that lead to hurt feelings and trodden boundaries, those I’m not so good at – I’m too much of a drama queen and I bruise too easily.

If I sit down and look at the whole thing like a jigsaw puzzle…then sometimes I can figure out what piece goes where. But I still always worry that the chain is going to snap under the questing of my fingertips, and hearts aren’t as easy to put back together as embroidery threads.

Life out here is blissful and stressful at the same time, and sometimes you find yourself just so…tangled up; and you’re not quite sure how you got there; so you have to sit down and start working at knots again until your fingers get a bit numb and your brain goes a bit quieter.

And you can’t help but wonder how things get so…tangled.

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