Every contract you do, changes you. Every ship you set sail on, you walk down the gangway a different girl. It\u2019s hard to explain, sometimes the changes are huge, sometimes they\u2019re so subtle that you never notice them yourself. It\u2019s something behind your eyes. The salt gets into your blood and the waves wash over your heart and you find yourself somehow different. You become a person who changes with the tides.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t expect to change at all this contract. This is the Alaska run, it\u2019s the cruise ship version of Groundhog Day, it doesn\u2019t change from week to week, you start to measure your days by what port you\u2019re in, and what\u2019s on the menu (Sunday=Sea Day=Beef Wellington), and your nights by what style of music your adopted \u2018family\u2019 in the party band is playing (Monday = 50\/60s prom). My last contract changed me so so much, that I didn\u2019t really think I had anywhere left to go. I was wrong, apparently.<\/p>\n
In truth, this ship didn\u2019t like me to begin with. I\u2019m not sure why that was, it might have been the management, it might have been something else altogether, I never really did figure it out. But as the weeks have gone on, this ship and I have settled into a rhythm wherein we sort of accept each other. She\u2019s never going to be my home ship, but that\u2019s to be expected. The long and the short of it is: I\u2019ve become a very happy woman on this ship. I\u2019m not quite sure how that happened, especially since I didn\u2019t think myself particularly miserable before \u2013 but now? Even my mother is commenting on how nice it is to see me actually happy, not pretending, not faking it, actually happy. Actually moderately comfortable in my own skin.<\/p>\n
Perhaps it\u2019s something to do with Alaska, because I think this process started when I started on ships \u2013 which was a year ago on almost this same route. I look back now and instead of seeing a lot of \u201cmight have dones, should have done\u2019s what would have happened if I\u2019d\u2026\u201d I see \u201cYe-ah, I did<\/em> that.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s a good change.<\/p>\n Some of you who read this now are recent additions, and haven\u2019t known me long. Some of you I\u2019ve only met this contract \u2013 rest assured, the me you know, isn\u2019t the me that walked up the gangway in San Diego last year. That girl\u2026there were a lot of things she would never have done. She would have had the nerve to be a party band groupie for one thing, would never have inserted herself into a social circle for fear that she wouldn\u2019t be accepted, would never have thought to voice her ideas a programming meeting, would never ever have thought she would one day be on her way back<\/em> to the Grand Voyages.<\/p>\n When I was younger, I used to look in the mirror and wonder who I would have been if a lot of things hadn\u2019t happened, if I hadn\u2019t made some choices, or if those choices hadn\u2019t have been made for me. We are made from are choices after all, but if those choices are taken away from us \u2013 who do we become? I used to wonder who I would be if I could ever peel away the layers.<\/p>\n I\u2019m far from saying that the salt air has blown all those layers away\u00a0 – but it\u2019s come close.<\/p>\n Me and my Buffy references, there\u2019s a scene for this too:<\/p>\n \u201cTake all that away and what do you have?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Claps her hands atop the sword blade and wrenches it aside<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cMe.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I think, after 20 or so years of searching, I\u2019m finally finding \u201cme\u201d, moreover\u2026I think I like her.<\/p>\n My apologies, it\u2019s late on a sea day, and it\u2019s put me in a pensive mood. It seems to be a habit with me on Sunday evenings, as much as mac n\u2019 cheese is on Juneau days.<\/p>\n For now though, I remain,<\/p>\n Ever yours, Every contract you do, changes you. Every ship you set sail on, you walk down the gangway a different girl. It\u2019s hard to explain, sometimes the changes are huge, sometimes they\u2019re so subtle that you never notice them yourself. It\u2019s … Continue reading
\nShaughnessy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"