{"id":4065,"date":"2015-12-02T14:15:59","date_gmt":"2015-12-02T22:15:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4065"},"modified":"2015-12-02T14:15:59","modified_gmt":"2015-12-02T22:15:59","slug":"drunk-on-apple-wine-at-sea-12012015","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4065","title":{"rendered":"Drunk on Apple Wine \u2013 At Sea \u2013 [12\/01\/2015]"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"girlsuitcase\"<\/a>Hey, maybe I\u2019ll dye my hair
\nmaybe I\u2019ll move somewhere
\nMaybe I\u2019ll hit the bars
\nMaybe I\u2019ll count the stars until the dawn
\nMe I will move on<\/em><\/p>\n

Maybe I\u2019ll dye my hair
\nMaybe I\u2019ll move somewhere
\nMaybe I\u2019ll clear my junk
\nMaybe I\u2019ll just get drunk on apple wine<\/em><\/p>\n

~ Hard Candy Christmas<\/em><\/p>\n

When I walked up my very first gangway what feels like a terribly long time ago; everyone told me: you will know when it\u2019s time.<\/p>\n

At the time, I laughed. I thought \u2013 like everyone who walks up a gangway most likely \u2013 that that time would never come. Why would you leave? Why would you want to?<\/p>\n

They say every job comes with an expiration date. I didn\u2019t think that would prove to be true about ships, but circumstances change, times change, more importantly people change.<\/p>\n

I changed.<\/p>\n

The contract following my next one will be my last.<\/p>\n

The gypsy is going to park her caravan, unpack her suitcase, and put down roots.<\/p>\n

The decision to leave the fleet in just over a year was a surprisingly easy one. A year is two more contracts, it\u2019s the end of my student loan \u2013 which is always when I was planning on looking into other options \u2013 and well, it\u2019s time. It\u2019s perhaps past time, before I start feeling like Bilbo Baggins after<\/em> he had been too long on the road: all stretched out, like butter spread over too much bread.<\/p>\n

If I stay here much longer, I run the risk of never leaving, and that\u2019s not the kind of thing that I want to happen to me. This is not \u2013 nor has it ever been \u2013 what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have come to the startling realization that for the first time in a very long time, the sea, or at least this particular aspect of the sea, can no longer offer me what I want or need out of life. I no longer wake in the mornings cheerful and looking forward to my day, rather I drag myself through it, and that\u2019s not a good thing for anyone; least of all the people I am paid to serve.<\/p>\n

I have been offered the chance to see incredible things, I will always treasure those opportunities, the people I\u2019ve met, loved, laughed with and cried with, my shipboard families are what I\u2019m sure I will miss the most. But I have a real family, now more so than ever. And I am no longer willing to separate myself from them for such long periods of time. I am ready \u2013 beyond ready \u2013 for a job where the hours end, where weekends aren\u2019t just another ignored day on the calendar, and where holidays can not only be planned in advance but relied on. I am ready for a life that is not constantly in flux, not constantly dictated by the tides and someone else\u2019s contract dates.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s time.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a reason, of course, that I am not<\/em> doing this right away. It would be foolish to walk away without first doing at least some research, while I have two dayjobs at home that will carry me while I search for my next adventure, I cannot go from full throttle to full brake. There are plans to make, and some of those are mental. Leaving ships is not just a matter of retiring from a job; it\u2019s a complete shift in lifestyle, a change in mentality that takes time to adjust to. It\u2019s not something you jump into.<\/p>\n

For those of you shaking your head and wondering at what I\u2019m eventually going to be giving up, allow me to elaborate:<\/p>\n

Yes, I will be saying goodbye to a lot of things; no more day trips to Hong Kong Disneyland, Universal Singapore, or dozens of other places. No more waking up in the morning and trying to remember if I\u2019m in Istanbul or Greece. But I have been lucky enough to go<\/em> to all those places, I have seen and done so much in the last five and a half years\u2026<\/p>\n

By the time I leave? It will have been nearly seven<\/em> years of incredible things; days where I woke up and walked the great wall of china, waded in rivers in Alaska, ate fresh smoked salmon, watched rainbows form over the bow, sipped champagne at the end of a world voyage, got a crick in my neck from looking up at the Big Buddha of Lampoon, wept at Cinderella\u2019s castle in Hong Kong and Toyko, played with the sting rays in Bora Bora.<\/p>\n

I was given Barcelona<\/em> for my birthday.<\/p>\n

\u2026and Honolulu.<\/p>\n

\u2026and Lima.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve lain on my back on the bow and counted the stars, I\u2019ve gasped in wonder at the Northern lights and tilted my face up to the chill Alaskan rain. I\u2019ve seen the salmon run in the old red light district of Ketchikan, played countless games of pool in local pubs, walked the paw prints of White Fang and taken the White Pass Railway along dead horse trail of the long gone sourdoughs. I\u2019ve fed husky puppies, seen penguins and trundled along on the back of an elephant. I\u2019ve seen cheetahs stretching in the lazily hot African sun and hunted for Lemurs with my camera in the jungles of Madagascar. I\u2019ve eaten kangaroo, rattlesnake and emu. I\u2019ve listened to the silent wonder of a natural underground cathedral. I\u2019ve trudged through the Canadian snow to see local performances that no other in the world could compare to, I\u2019ve eaten Prince Edward Island\u2019s famous ice cream and been introduced to Anne of Green Gables. I’ve wept at the tomb of the Arizona. I’ve asked Eva Peron\u2019s blessing and I’ve stood in the immense shadow of the pyramids, the sphinx and the temple of Luxor. I\u2019ve snorkeled over the Great Barrier Reef, jumped off the Auckland sky tower, sat three rows from the front at the Sydney Opera House production of Madama Butterfly<\/em>, and stared at the horizon from the mast of an Australian tall ship. I\u2019ve para-sailed over the Mexican coast, and walked barefoot in the crystal sand of Hawaii sipping drinks with umbrellas in them.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve even paddled a dugout canoe.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve met celebrities, dined with internationally known musicians, sung solos, sorted music, hosted formal dinners, danced at formal balls, and worn more costumes than I can count. I\u2019ve danced through migraines, pain that had me limping, and exhaustion that threatened to knock me flat, and I\u2019ve done it with a legitimate smile on my face.<\/p>\n

I fell in love, out of love and then dizzily back in love again. I lived<\/em> out here to the fullest extent that it was possible. I gave this everything<\/em> I had. Those are years I would trade for nothing, moments of glory and pleasure and the kind of things that most people never get the chance to see in a dozen lifetimes let alone one\u2026<\/p>\n

And that is not even half of it\u2026<\/p>\n

And there will be more, in the time yet to come.<\/p>\n

So why am I leaving? Why on earth would I leave that all behind?<\/p>\n

Because of the other side of the coin, the side that is so seldom discussed, that no-one sees but the people closest to me, and sometimes not even them\u2026<\/p>\n

Because it has also been five years of not having a place to truly put down roots, five years of feeling the connections to my home and my \u2018normal\u2019 life slowly fraying at the edges, of returning to Victoria and finding that I have no one to call and don\u2019t remember what street leads where or what bus to get on. Of feeling totally adrift, to the point where you don\u2019t even know where \u2018home\u2019 is anymore, because there are pieces of yourself scattered so far and wide that you\u2019re hard pressed to keep them all linked together. You can\u2019t catch all the threads before they fray and are lost to the water forever.<\/p>\n

Five years of working up to 12 hours a day seven days a week and coming home so tired that I can\u2019t see straight or think straight only to get up in the morning and do it all over again. Seasons of being ripped apart by people who have problems I can\u2019t fix but have to attempt to because they expect someone to and I\u2019m the one who\u2019s there. Of extra duties that come unexpectedly and the expectation that you will of course never say no, and if you do, you run the risk of not being seen as a team player. Of pressure that builds up to the point of boiling with no release valve, and expectations sometimes so high that they are impossible to live up to. Of restless sleep and emotional meltdowns that never saw the light beyond my cabin door. Years of feeling like a second class citizen because you\u2019re not a paying passenger, of forced smiles as often as genuine and packed down emotions that have sometimes come dangerously close to exploding. Five years of work \u2018days\u2019 that are six months long and a job that never seems to be finished no matter how much of yourself you give to it, of never having time or energy for a social life, and if you do chose to make one for yourself risking sacrificing what little sleep you can get in exchange. Because of IPM drama, inter-departmental politics, irrational levels of stress and countless other small things that go on behind the curtain that add up to waking up one day and finding you aren\u2019t that fond of the woman in the mirror. When little things that should require nothing more than a shrug and a smile to fix erupt into world war three, it\u2019s not a good sign.<\/p>\n

Becoming snappy and irritable and impatient, gaining circles under your eyes that look more like bruises, and a general distaste for the human race that verges on loathing.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not where I want to be. More importantly, that\u2019s not where I want to stay.<\/p>\n

For years now, the whole world has been my home\u2026<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m finding now? That I\u2019m aching for a home that\u2019s a little more specific than that\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hey, maybe I\u2019ll dye my hair maybe I\u2019ll move somewhere Maybe I\u2019ll hit the bars Maybe I\u2019ll count the stars until the dawn Me I will move on Maybe I\u2019ll dye my hair Maybe I\u2019ll move somewhere Maybe I\u2019ll clear … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,17,81],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4065","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-below-the-waterline","category-reflections-below-the-waterline","category-transitions"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GtNE-13z","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4065","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4065"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4065\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4067,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4065\/revisions\/4067"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4065"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4065"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4065"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}