{"id":4122,"date":"2016-02-04T03:20:10","date_gmt":"2016-02-04T11:20:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4122"},"modified":"2016-02-04T03:20:10","modified_gmt":"2016-02-04T11:20:10","slug":"rose-among-thorns-at-sea-02012016","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4122","title":{"rendered":"Rose Among Thorns \u2013 At Sea \u2013 [02\/01\/2016]"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Perspective\"I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word; now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets that I used to own\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

~ Rule the World, Coldplay<\/em><\/p>\n

Zach I\u2019m a gypsy, I\u2019ve never had an apartment in my life that isn\u2019t a sublet! All I know how to do is to point my toes and leap\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

~ A Chorus Line<\/em><\/p>\n

The one thing that\u2019s hard about having given a really amazing performance is that you gave<\/em> a really amazing performance.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not as oxymoronic as it sounds.<\/p>\n

I was explaining to Amras at dinner following my performance with the Cabaret evening that it can be difficult to come back to \u2018reality\u2019 after you\u2019ve been forcibly ,one could argue beautifully, reminded of what it is you should<\/em> be doing. What is it that your heart \u2013 no matter how crushed down by practicality \u2013 still wants<\/em> to be doing. These people, they have seen almost every cast and every guest entertainer there is, to bring them to their feet takes something special\u2026.I<\/em> was something special, and not out of pity, I earned<\/em> it. And I remembered what it felt like to earn it, to establish that circle with an audience, to feed off of that energy so that you\u2019re ravenous and exhausted afterwards all at the same time.<\/p>\n

I remembered\u2026and then the next morning, I had to get back behind my desk\u2026and this time, this time it hurt\u2026shrugging that day-to-day fa\u00e7ade back on, it\u2019s like coming back from Narnia. You don\u2019t adjust as well as you perhaps should.<\/p>\n

Since my performance with the Cabaret show night before last, I have had multiple guests \u2013 many of whom I only have a passing acquaintance with \u2013 pay me showers of compliments on my voice, most of which I accept with something of an awkward grace\u2026but there\u2019s one, there\u2019s one that just makes me want to break and give them the real answer, because<\/em> this time it hurts\u2026<\/p>\n

Why on earth are you behind that desk and not on the stage?<\/em><\/p>\n

Why? You truly want to know why? Because I can\u2019t afford it!<\/em> Because I was \u201cborn too soon and I started too late\u201d, because I\u2019ve heard too many times that I\u2019m the wrong height the wrong weight or the wrong vocal style, but mostly\u2026mostly because I can\u2019t afford it. Because the training and lessons and everything that was given to me as a child and as a young adult cost more than I could possibly have imagined at the time and there\u2019s no way I can keep up with them. I have been wrestling with trying to accept that for years now, and it has never and will never sit right with me, but it\u2019s the way it is right now.<\/p>\n

Please<\/em> I appreciate and am grateful for what you\u2019re trying to say, but I so dearly wish you would find some other way to say it, because every time I hear those words or some variation thereof, the knife drives a little deeper into my heart and it gets a little harder to shrug it off and say something along the lines of que sera sera.<\/p>\n

Dreams cost money, they cost more money than I or anyone that loves me has at the moment, you can want this more than anything else in the world, but if you don\u2019t have the finances to be able to live while you\u2019re going after it than it becomes as impossible as Don Quiote\u2019s windmills.<\/p>\n

And usually I can come back from that; I have a game plan, I have a timeline, I\u2019m sticking to it and it\u2019s working\u2026<\/p>\n

But this time\u2026this time it\u2019s just been really really hard to come back from Narnia\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word; now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets that I used to own\u2026 ~ Rule the World, Coldplay Zach I\u2019m a gypsy, I\u2019ve never … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,15,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4122","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-below-the-waterline","category-performances","category-reflections-below-the-waterline"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GtNE-14u","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4122","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4122"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4122\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4123,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4122\/revisions\/4123"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4122"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4122"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4122"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}