{"id":4753,"date":"2017-10-04T23:30:52","date_gmt":"2017-10-05T06:30:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4753"},"modified":"2017-10-24T00:57:02","modified_gmt":"2017-10-24T07:57:02","slug":"growing-into-35-at-sea-10052017","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=4753","title":{"rendered":"Growing into 35 \u2013 At Sea \u2013 [10\/05\/2017]"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"When I grow up\u2026.
\nI will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things you have to haul around with you when you’re a grown up
\nAnd when I grow up, I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
\nThat you have to fight beneath the bed each night
\nTo be a grown up
\nWhen I grow up\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

When I grow up\u2026
\nWhen I grow up\u2026<\/p>\n

Goddess when did I become a grown up? When did \u201cadult\u201d get added to my resume? When did it all start moving so goddess blessed fast<\/em>?<\/p>\n

This one\u2019s harder. I didn\u2019t expect it to be, but it is. I breezed through thirty, and now all the things I expected to feel at thirty are hitting me hard as I turn the corner into 35. But hey, it beats the alternative.<\/p>\n

I find myself having to face the reality that my life has not gone as planned. Of course, I don\u2019t think anyone\u2019s does. But the white picket fence version of my life that I somehow always assumed would be my reality by the time I reached this point\u2026.that path hasn\u2019t opened up for me. Yet. It will. One day. If it\u2019s meant to. But it hasn\u2019t yet.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s not really the easiest thing for me to face. That\u2019s\u2026hitting me more than a bit sideways at random moments.<\/p>\n

But despite the speed, and despite the hardship, 34 has taught me a lot. Those lessons were not<\/em> easy. They were often not kind. The tracks were rocky, they were hot to the touch, they often brought tears. There were many monsters around many corners and the dragons often roared extremely loud. But with the sours, there also came the sweets. I would be lying if I didn\u2019t say that 34 gave<\/em> me a lot, I fought for some of it tooth and claw, but I was rewarded none the less. I beat those dragons, I won those battles, and I came out of them a stronger, more confident version of myself that even my own family recognizes as an improvement. 34 taught me that no matter how much you love someone, you can\u2019t save someone who isn\u2019t ready to save themselves. At the same time, it taught me how to reach out a hand to try<\/em> and help someone, and how to grasp hard in support if that hand is accepted, and how to gracefully retreat if it is not.<\/p>\n

My relationship steadied and solidified and returned to me built on a foundation stronger than it was before, and that relationship steadied me to deal with the others. I realised just how much my choices really are mine. Those that I love can guide me, can advise me, but they cannot walk through the doors for me, and much as I may love them, their choices are not mine to make, just as mine are not theirs.<\/p>\n

I shed a few more traces of the scared young girl I have always carried with me, and started at long last to step into the woman who\u2019s skirts that child can hide behind. She will always be a part of me that little girl, it would be betraying myself to disown her, and I will look after her, but that doesn\u2019t mean she has to be who I am.<\/p>\n

I shed my airline stewardess librarian greys for bouncy nerdy pinstripes and crazy accessories and hello kitty doc martin\u2019s and I embraced the side of me that I\u2019ve always been kind of embarrassed by because who \u2018really wants to be bothered with the enthusiasm of a nerd?\u2019. It turns out that I like my crazy colours and bright lights. This is who I am, and this is who I will be for a long time, and if people aren\u2019t okay with that, then I am coming to realize that that really isn\u2019t my problem.<\/p>\n

I found new hobbies (and therefore developed new callouses), I got answers to questions that have sat heavily with me for years, and those answers are doubtlessly going to affect the rest of my life.<\/p>\n

I fought the monsters under the bed, and bloody hell I won<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Am I a <\/em>grown up? Perhaps in the eyes of some people, perhaps in the eyes of the law, and yes in some areas I will accept that title: I have a steady job, I have plans for the future, I have a relationship, hell, I pay taxes, I have a visa bill.<\/p>\n

But does that make me<\/em> grown up? No, I don\u2019t really think so. Because I wear pig-tails to work, and I watch animation and I play video games and I get paid to teach people how to do fun things with photography and I turn into a little kid when I\u2019m watching shadow puppets\u2026I travel for a living and I take pictures of a pocket sized my little pony all over the world.<\/p>\n

Growing older is required. Growing up? That\u2019s optional.<\/p>\n

And after all\u2026<\/p>\n

When I grow up, I will eat sweets every day on the way to work
\nAnd I will go to bed late every night<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I grow up\u2026. I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things you have to haul around with you when you’re a grown up And when I grow up, I will be brave enough to fight the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,86,96,98,8,17,81],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4753","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-below-the-waterline","category-fall-contracts","category-fire-ice-2017","category-grand-asiaaustralia-2017","category-grand-cruises","category-reflections-below-the-waterline","category-transitions"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GtNE-1eF","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4753","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4753"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4753\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4785,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4753\/revisions\/4785"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4753"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4753"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4753"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}