{"id":5404,"date":"2019-07-11T19:19:40","date_gmt":"2019-07-12T02:19:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=5404"},"modified":"2019-08-02T19:21:47","modified_gmt":"2019-08-03T02:21:47","slug":"seams-of-gold-07-11-2019","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=5404","title":{"rendered":"Seams of Gold \u2013 [07\/11\/2019]"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"It\u2019s hard when you\u2019re always afraid
\nYou just recover when another belief is betrayed
\nSo break my heart if you must
\nIt\u2019s a matter of trust<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t go the distance
\nWith too much resistance
\nI know you have doubts, but for god\u2019s sake don\u2019t shut me out<\/p>\n

~ Billy Joel<\/em><\/p>\n

Yup, Billy Joel wrote the soundtrack of my life\u2026<\/p>\n

The original opening quotation to this entry was a line from The Lion King II<\/em>, \u201cdo not forget what we cannot forgive\u201d but as I was writing, I realized that\u2019s not what I wanted to say at all\u2026because that\u2019s not actually true. Not about me anyway. Not really\u2026<\/p>\n

So anyway\u2026.
\n<\/em>
\nI\u2019ve been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days about trust, what it is, how to handle it, how not<\/em> to break it. What happens when it gets banged around a bit.<\/p>\n

A couple of things to point out about me \u2013 first off, I am fully aware that I am extremely<\/em> imperfect. I have a nasty tendency to high drama and I cry at the drop of a hat; but I try my very best to be a good person. I try to treat others with dignity and kindness, and while I get angry more often than I\u2019d like I try to take the higher road.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m also an Empath, which means that yes, if something is wrong I\u2019m going to have some sense of it. If something is going on behind my back I\u2019m going to often be aware of it, and I can usually tell when someone is hiding something from me. The annoying biproduct of that is that I\u2019ll usually keep bugging people until they *tell* me what it is that is going on under the \u201ceverything\u2019s fine\u201d, which can lead to it\u2019s own problems.<\/p>\n

Anyway\u2026this started out being about trust.<\/p>\n

The long and the short of it is that I don\u2019t really give trust easily. I want<\/em> to. From the bottom of my heart I want to, and I\u2019ll give superficial trust out like candy, but real trust? That I hold close. That I\u2019m afraid you have to earn. And if you do, and then you break it? I will<\/em> forgive you. I will always<\/em> forgive you. But I won\u2019t forget. I can\u2019t. No matter how much I love you, no matter how much I care, I won\u2019t forget. I can\u2019t. My head and my heart don\u2019t work that way. That kind of breach doesn\u2019t go away. Or at least, if it does\u2026it takes a little time. Sometimes a lot of time.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a big big<\/em> fan of the Japanese art form of kintsugi, where a special kind of lacquer is applied to a broken object that is then dusted with gold. When the lacquer hardens, the object is repaired and fully able to serve its purpose once more, but it now looks like it has been mended with gold. No one tries to hide the breakage, or to pretend that it didn\u2019t happen, no one tries to pretend that the piece is how it used to be \u2013 but the cracks are now part of what makes it more beautiful, they are an acknowledged part of the new whole.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s me. That\u2019s what I am. That\u2019s what my trust is.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t forget, I can\u2019t always pretend that everything\u2019s the same as it was, and I will usually respect you too much to pretend that \u201ceverything\u2019s okay\u201d until it actually is<\/em> (and it will be, eventually, I promise, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but it will be), but \u2026 I mend my cracks with gold. And whatever we went through? Whatever happened? Unless it is really really<\/em> terrible\u2026 I can promise you it will usually just become a shining new piece of whatever our new whole is meant to look like.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s hard when you\u2019re always afraid You just recover when another belief is betrayed So break my heart if you must It\u2019s a matter of trust You can\u2019t go the distance With too much resistance I know you have doubts, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-below-the-waterline","category-reflections-below-the-waterline"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GtNE-1pa","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5404"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5404\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5406,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5404\/revisions\/5406"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}