{"id":5777,"date":"2020-06-16T19:02:18","date_gmt":"2020-06-17T02:02:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=5777"},"modified":"2020-06-16T19:02:18","modified_gmt":"2020-06-17T02:02:18","slug":"cracked-reflections-victoria-bc-06-16-2020","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/?p=5777","title":{"rendered":"Cracked Reflections \u2013 Victoria, BC \u2013 [06\/16\/2020]"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me
\nWhy is my reflection someone I don\u2019t know?<\/em><\/p>\n

I almost feel as if I owe everyone in my \u201cnormal\u201d life an apology. I\u2019m not really myself. I know I\u2019m not. I can feel it. I\u2019m extremely jumpy and edgy and I get angry for the littlest reason.<\/p>\n

Apparently it\u2019s going to take a lot longer to recover from\u2026whatever this was\u2026than I thought.<\/p>\n

I wish I could explain it. I wish I could explain why<\/em> I\u2019m so jumpy, so outright paraniod (and for those of you who know me off page, I mean more than usual), why\u2026any of it. But I can\u2019t. I thought that when we got home, everything would just shift smoothly back into place; that I would step back into my “home” skin just like always… but it turns out it doesn\u2019t work like that.<\/p>\n

For one thing, I haven\u2019t worked full time retail since I was in my early twenties. Yes, when we\u2019re out on contract I work 7 days a week technically, but the hours for my position are consistently more spread out and are overall much lighter. I don\u2019t<\/em> work 8 hours a day, and I\u2019m far from on my feet all the time. So shifting back into a \u2018standard\u2019 9 to 5, when I usually just jump on a few days a week? Has been a shock to my system physically to say the least. But it\u2019s not so much that \u2013 time will adjust me to the physical \u2013 it\u2019s the mental.<\/p>\n

People\u2026seem to frighten me a lot more than they used to. It\u2019s as though I\u2019ve actively forgotten<\/em> how to be around a group of just plain old normal people. I don\u2019t know how to handle them, sometimes I don\u2019t even know how to talk<\/em> to them. There are moments when I simply cannot speak, I just stand there and stare at nothing for what feels like 10 minutes at a time. And I don\u2019t know where that\u2019s coming from really. I feel\u2026distant from everything and everyone. And I keep trying<\/em> to move forward from it, but it\u2019s as though some kind of sticky stretchy bubblegum is still holding me back.<\/p>\n

Also, my filter seems to be completely broken.<\/p>\n

And still, people keep asking if we\u2019re going to go back. For those of you wondering that question \u2013 and it\u2019s a legitimate question, and we know that everyone\u2019s heart is in the right place: it\u2019s too early to say.<\/p>\n

The best I can give you is this: we\u2019re trying. We\u2019re really truly trying.<\/p>\n

I wish I could make it go faster. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and just\u2026be fine. Part of me can\u2019t help thinking that this is utterly ridiculous there is no reason at all for me to be reacting like this. But it also seems to be something I can\u2019t quite control.<\/p>\n

So if I say something foolish, or I make a decision or have a reaction that seems completely<\/em> opposite to me? Bear with me\u2026please.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me Why is my reflection someone I don\u2019t know? I almost feel as if I owe everyone in my \u201cnormal\u201d life an apology. I\u2019m not really myself. I know I\u2019m … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5777","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-vacation"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GtNE-1vb","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5777","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5777"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5777\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5779,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5777\/revisions\/5779"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5777"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5777"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloodinyoursaltwater.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5777"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}