Corner of Bitter and Sweet – At Sea/Inside Passage – [09/21/2011]

The last week of a contract is like the last week of a show. Every second suddenly becomes that little bit more heightened, every dance number you perform (or watch in this case), every song you sing, becomes different, takes on an extra layer – because you know it’s the last one. The last time you’re going to sit in the lounge on a Monday night the last 50s/60s prom, the last time you’re going to hear that particular set of friends sing duets in the upstairs bar. It can get very depressing if you let it. Everyone deals with the last week in a different way. Some are like me – letting ourselves feel it for very brief (though sometimes overwhelming) periods of time, alternating between crazy joy (“I’m going home!!!”) and a kind of pensive depression. Others are like Hunt who just relish it and treat the week like any other until the very last day. Some of us check out early, remaining here physically but being mentally somewhere else – whether it be home or just wherever the next contract is taking us. I admit part of me is already in China.

Different people, different reactions.

This is the first time I’ve ended a contract at the end of a season. It’s a slightly different sensation, wrapping a season at the same time that you’re wrapping a show – because you’re not just going home (well, I’m not going home anyway) , you’re saying goodbye to a place for a good chunk of time. 7 day cruising is strange, you get bored of the ports, but at the same time you get attached to them, you get used to them.

And Alaska and I have a tumultous relationship to begin with.

When we first came here, it would stay bright until 10pm. I would come up for my 8pm shift and watch the sunset outside my office window. Now when I come up it’s pitch dark, like we’re sailing through ink. It seems to have happened suddenly. It hasn’t of course. One little minute at a time, the days have gotten shorter, until eventually they slid away from us.

Three months. Sometimes I wonder how so much could happen in three months.

For years I’ve waited for my Summer of ’42 (it’s a movie reference, look it up if you want) – the summer that changes you forever. That you look back on and realize was a turning point. The thing is you can have more than one. The road is always taking turns you don’t quite expect. There were a lot of times I’ thought I’d found that summer…but really, my two Alaska summers, combined, have been my Summer of ’42.

I said at the beginning of this contract that I rememebred when Alaska was the most exotic place I’d been. The most fantastic far away place I’d seen. I wish I had an entry from back then. I wish I had a record of the words that were going through my head. If I ever do find one, I’ll repost it. I’ve said before that Alaska changed me. The thing is, it keeps changing me. Both times that I’ve taken on an Alaska contract, something has happened that has majorly altered my mindset. I’m almost afraid to come back here (though I will if my requests come through for next season)…I’m almost afraid of what might be left of me to change.

We shed selves like some other animals shed skins…I wonder sometimes if that ever stops. For any of us…