It’s about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you’re sure of slip from your hand
And you got one second, to try to be clear
To try to stand tall
But nothing’s the same when the wind starts to blow
They say the universe doesn’t hand you anything you can’t handle. That anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That it’s a test of character etc etc.
But I have to ask myself, when does the test STOP? When do things finally settle down and you can finally say “okay, this is where I’m supposed to be this is where I belong”?. Because it seems that every time I think I’ve gotten there…something happens, and it’s almost always totally out of my control.
Things have been…up and down since I left the waves. I don’t regret leaving. Not really. But there was a certain rhythm out there that made things easy in some ways. You knew where you stood in the chain of command, you knew what was expected of you, and it seldom really changed. It was…comfortably predictable at the same time as it was a never end adventure. Life outside the ocean’s bubble? It’s not like that, and sometimes I wonder if I ever really completely fit back into life on land…or if I’ve always been a bit of a mermaid out of water at heart.
But in the long run, no, I don’t regret it. But I do miss …a lot about it.
When I left ships I ultimately went to vet med. And I really thought that I’d found where I was supposed to be. There is a sense of fulfillment in this industry that I just haven’t found anywhere else. But the clinic I was working for closed, and I got moved to our much much bigger sister hospital that suddenly felt corporate. All of my training went on hold, I started to feel like I was never going to belong there, and worse, I was with a team that…let’s just say didn’t have my back. My best friend and coworker retired…my beloved Proudfoot crossed the Rainbow Bridge (though he sent my sweet little Verity instead and I’d be lost without her) and I was…very lost and alone. So I left. In one of the hardest and possibility bravest things I’ve done, I walked out the door of a guaranteed job and went to a different clinic altogether, one that was smaller, independent…that felt like…my old one had.
And I was really really happy there.
For eight months.
Until a few days ago they called me into the office, and the owner, nearly crying, told me that they were letting me go.
I was not given a reason.
And just like that…the surface cracked…and I’m dumped into a new world…again.
I’ve been steadily, fully employed since I was 19. I don’t know how to be unemployed. I have never held a job for less than 5 years, never. Navigating the EI system and going through applications that go with it are …totally foreign to me. I’m not used to having time on my hands. I’m not used to having time off.
And I’m having a hard time not blaming myself for all of this…even though I know deep down that it was probably nothing to do with me.
Just…a mermaid out of water…
Again…
And oh you’re suddenly a stranger, in some completely different land
And you thought you knew, but you didn’t have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks,
To reveal the tracks, to a new world








It’s been a long while hasn’t it?