Have been unavoidably detained by the world. Expect us when you see us”. ~ Stardust
There’s been a decision on the edge of my mind for a long time now, nearly since I arrived here. Since the first morning I woke up without circles under my eyes and worry in the pit of my stomach. Since the first night I smiled at the band and they smiled back. Since the first beer I cheers with in the OB while the music blared and the sparse crowd chattered…never once feeling out of place, or odd, or unwelcomed.
Somewhere a long time ago, I made up my mind.
I’m leaving the flagship.
Chill, it’s not forever. It’s just for the Grand Voyage, and even then, Toffy will only change me over if she can land me on either the contract I’ve requested (which is going to be a swing for her as it requires a lot of shuffling, but she also knows how much I want it) or if she spies something equally amazing for me. But she and I had a long, long discussion about it today, in which I told her that I was pretty sure I wanted to move on, but that I was afraid to because of the work I’ve put in to staying on the flagship, to being ‘that’ girl, and she reminded me that giving it up would be a temporary thing, that if I turn it down I could get it back sometime in the future.
I suddenly remembered that the best cruise director in the fleet has turned down the flagship no less than 8 times. Why? Because he doesn’t want the stress and the pressure of working her. Yet no one questions that he is the best, no one holds that decision against him.
If he can do it, so can I.
I know there are some who would wonder why I would do such a thing. There are reasons, rather a lot of them really. The biggest of them is this: I’m tired. Or rather, I was. I didn’t realize just how tired I was until I wasn’t. The only exhaustion I’ve felt on this contract has been the sheer physical kind that comes with any kind of job. Gone are the dark circles and constant knots that I’ve grown used to from working the Grands in and out. I go out at night here, I have friends – I have enough friends that there is actually talk of a proper goodbye party, something I’ve never had before – I have an actual life outside of the office. I’ve remembered what it’s like to have a world that isn’t just me, my books and my embroidery needle. And I want to keep remembering that.
There are places out there I haven’t seen yet. Yes, I’ve seen amazing things, I’ve done amazing things, but there’s more that I haven’t, and being locked into what is essentially the same run every season is not going to get me there. I want to do things. I want to see Boston, and New York, and Charlottetown, and Quebec and Scotland and Iceland and Amsterdam and…and…and…
It’s such a long list, it’s such a damn long list and…if I don’t break out of the wonderful rut I’ve been in, that list is just going to sit there…
There’s a big ol’ world out there, and I really want to go take a look at it.