I have been a rover
I have walked alone
Hiked a hundred highways
Never found a home
Still in all I’m happy
The reason is you see
once in a while, along the way
Life’s been good to me..
I still find it difficult to believe it’s been five years since I walked up my first gangway; terrified and exhilarated and having no idea whatsoever what to expect. I remember the faces from that time, but not the names – save for a very small handful, the names are long gone, and the people who helped train me are long since shore-side. Silv said to me once that coming to ships has made me the woman she always saw I would become, but that I never saw in myself; perhaps that’s true. It’s definitely changed me, I like to think those changes have been for the better – though there are a few cases where I’m not sure.
But I have things now I never thought I would have. I have a job I love, that I’m good at, I have the possibility of opportunities for other jobs (the new casting company is auditioning in New York in two seasons, and this time I have the money), and should I choose to stay where I am; there are improvements on the horizon that I’m actually excited about. The books are doing well, I’m writing fiction again, I’m reading again, I’m sleeping at night (something which, during my time on the flagship was becoming scarce – I didn’t so much sleep there as just pass out). And I’m not in life alone anymore, and I’m finding out just how huge a difference it makes when you’re facing everything the world throws at you with someone’s hand in yours. Even gypsies don’t feel so lonely if they’re not the only drivers in the caravan.
Amras and I often sit and watch the news while we have dinner down in the crew mess, and the state of the world makes me want to scream and weep and argue; because I don’t understand it, I will never understand it. I don’t think the day will come when I ever completely accept it…but deep down, I feel perhaps dangerously isolated from it, because in my little tiny corner of the world? There is love, and contentment and something that almost resembles a very dear kind of prosperity.
And maybe that will be enough one day, maybe if enough of us little tiny insignificant people get it right…the bigger picture will follow suit.
What I do know for certain? I may still be a rover, but I don’t walk alone…and right now? Life is being very very good to me.