Hear ye, Hear ye…once more we have summoned forth Neptune and his royal court from the watery depths to pass judgement on the vile pollywogs onboard.
And this time…I knew a lot of the pollywogs.
Before anyone asks, Amras (much to my disappointment) is a trusty Shellback many times over – and even if he wasn’t, it would would not have been worth my while to throw him under the bus. Trust me on this one. Besides, we had more than enough pollywogs, enough that I think we actually had to start turning people away because the list got too long; and a large portion of those were from entertainment. Including over half of our onboard production cast. So needless to say the polly wog cage was suitably loud and dramatic this season.
And it was an actual cage this time around! Unlike on the flagship, where we were at least kind enough allow the wogs to stand up behind their bars; here they set up an actual luggage cage (which are a lot wider than you think) and slug a net over the top so the wogs had to crouch, kneel or sit inside. Of course the net allowed neatly for the pirates to randomly slosh ice cold water over the whole structure, drenching everyone who was cowering inside.
Apparently those buckets were sometimes ice water, and sometimes warm water scooped up from the nearby hot tubs!
And there was one other thing that was different than my previous crossings…which the entertainment manager gleefully imparted during the set-up meeting yesterday
So we have gotten permission from deck and from culinary to use the real stuff. The slime will be gross guys, it’s meringue and spagetti and whatever else the kitchen can find…
And it was. This stuff was the most disgusting slop I had ever set eyes on (or hands in). The good part was you didn’t need much of it to get the job done, which meant by the time we got to the deck cadets who made up the final group, there was plenty left to tip up from the tubs over top of them.
But we had a lot of groups to get through before that happened.
And the first thing you do when you get to your operating table is slop it down, a sight which somewhat terrified the wogs, whose cage was right next to us.
SHUT UP BACK THERE! Can’t you see we’re working!
Of course, once they actually hit the tables, they discover that yes ,we are cruel – that’s the whole thing, no one was nice to us, so why should we be nice to the wogs that come across us? But we’re not that mean, every person who came across my table I said the same thing (in a low voice, so they could hear me but the nearby pax could not)
It’s okay, close your eyes, close your mouth…
That may not sound like much, but when you’re being slimed it’s the most important advice you could receive.
Of course, not all the things we say are nice, and the harder they fight us the harder we are on them. Both Tollie (who at least knew what she was in for) and her fellow youth staff (who didn’t), ended up on my table, to at least one of them I said
I told you “pray you don’t end up on my table!”…guess you didn’t pray hard enough!
Yes, I am occasionally evil. Tollie forgave me of course.
ENOUGH! SEND THEM BEFORE THE JUDGES! For it is up to the ship’s staff to decide, shall they be dunked or shall they survive?
Survive of course means they sit on the edge of the pool and bake, and this is not goop that you want to have to sit covered in for very long. Most people beg for a thumbs down so that they can at least rinse off some of it in the pool…but the pool, as the ceremony goes on, gets murkier and murkier…and eventually turns a rather unappealing colour of green-grey.
The thing is, this group of wogs fought back. You’re totally not supposed to fight back! Lie there and take it, that’s the deal! But they fought back, the fought back hard, in fact one cadet even pitched a pirate right into the water with him…as punishment for such an offense he and the rest of the team were made to go through the sliming tables twice! HA!
As a result of this unexpected battle (though it would have happened anyway), I was covered up to the elbows, I even had goop in my hair at one point. Let’s just say I do not look my best in the pictures that were shot from the bandstand!
Despite the unappealing nature of the pool by this point, there was no way that we were going to traipse back to cabins still covered in this stuff…so the doctors and nurses all look at each other across the water. One cast member, who is wearing the cutsy little nurse outfit that just wasn’t going to fit the rest of us – was elected to go first. She takes a giant step back and shakes her head
Nah-uh! Hit the drink! Come on!
Eventually her fellow medic picked her up and threw her bodily into the pool. The rest of us counted down from five and took the plunge voluntarily, spluttering up to the surface in soaked scrubs that sometimes feel like they’re doing their best to drag us downwards, but at least emerging somewhat rinsed off.
A twenty minute hot shower took care of the rest of it. At least for me. Tollie – being as how she was a wog – had to take about three before the worst of it was rinsed out of her hair. At one point the other youth staff walked by when Amras and I were having lunch later
So did you get clean?
Yeah…it only took about a half hour under the shower
Did you check behind your ears..
How would I have…?
At which point she reaches up and touches behind her ear and her eyes go wide
HOW IS IT STILL BEHIND MY EARS?
Sorry luv, you were on my table
Safe for another season over the equator I should think!