Hey Look – Kristiensand, Norway – [05/18/2016]

84491859a62b542500ca50a28bae3cf5Hey look no crying
Though she has one foot out the door
I should be crying, it ought to hurt a little more
I should resent it, try to prevent it
Whatever for?
Hey look no cryin’, just good bye..
I’m letting go…

~Or

In that last dance of chances
We shall know each other’s minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.”

– Robin Hobb

When I first came to ships, what feels like a lot longer ago than it actually was, I was scared and confused, and a lot younger in a lot of ways that are not remotely chronological than I am now. The contract was a blur, and I remember little of it, except one strong hand that held onto mine and kept me steady. A few years later that hand let go…and I thought I couldn’t stand without that support. I lost it, I spiralled, but then – to my own amazement, I caught myself…I accepted the silence…I started to move forward, but the door…the door was always held open, and in some ways as long as there is hope there is no closure…if a part of you is looking back, it makes it difficult to move on…

Some ties, you think will never fray, you want to believe that, you need to, for whatever reason…some wounds you think will never heal. Some never do. But some…some surprise you.

It seems so very long ago now, so many memories, so many years passed under long forgotten bridges. And then one day, when you shout into the void to demand an answer, an answer actually comes…and it’s not perhaps the one you hoped for, but it’s also not the one you feared. And you think to yourself, that it should hurt, but you realize that the edges of the memories no longer cut, and that while there is a bit of a sting from the wound being momentarily pulled at…that the stitches haven’t torn…the long-tender wound has scarred over…and you are able to look at that response for what it is, and be grateful for what it represents…

And that’s it…it’s over.

No tears, not really, no clinging on, just a door long held open finally being eased shut, and there is relief perhaps on both sides, even though you know that perhaps part of you – and part of them – is pressing a palm to the other side, a goodbye that is felt rather than said. Because after all this time, some things don’t need to be said.

And I find myself glad, that after years of tantrums and silence and confusion…there finally comes a point where you can let each other go with grace…

This entry was posted in Below the waterline, Reflections. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Hey Look – Kristiensand, Norway – [05/18/2016]

  1. Will there be more blog?

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