Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Sounds of laughter, shades of earth
Are ringing through my opened ears
Inciting and inviting me
~ Pleasantville
I thought long and hard about what to say about today, feeling like I should say something – because so much has happened in the last twelve months. Has it really only been twelve months? But I find myself not sure where to start…
Looking back at 33? I can’t sum it up in a word – though perhaps tumultuous comes close. Confusing, exciting, adventurous. There are too many words, too many ways that I could look at it, and it is all those things. Or it was. Is it a year I would want to relive? No, not particularly, I’d go so far as to say definitely not. But is it a year that I know gave me something? Yes – definitely yes.
33 taught me that rebuilding trust is a gradual and fragile thing, that one can build amazing things out of lego, and that relationships of all kinds are precious and delicate and easily broken or cracked. That some cracks take longer to repair than others, and that some things – however you may wish them to be – may never be the same again. 33 taught me that there is a world beyond the boundaries I have always set up for myself. 33 taught me how to Roar. 33 gave me a journey, and took me to a place where I can look in the mirror, and most of the time genuinely like what I see. 33 taught me that your family is the most important thing you have, but that they neither possess you nor own you nor owe you. 33 taught me that respect is not always a mutual thing, but can become so. 33 taught me that progress is possible where you think it the least likely, and that when you think you’re facing a dead end, sometimes a window opens in the middle of the alleyway.
33 was hard, rocky, tear-ridden and turbulent, but bore with it its own colours of butterflies, ocean currents and good memories that balance out the hardship.
33 proved to me that I could survive things I thought weren’t possible, and that sticking to my instincts despite the strength of what or whom might stand against me, has the potential to put me on the path that ends up being right for me. And that only I can choose that path, despite how many people would love to help me make the decision. 33 taught me that the big decisions are mine, others can just walk me up to the door, they can’t choose how I walk through it.
Perhaps it’s fitting, therefore, that my birthday this year took place in the middle of the ocean. My life has been all about transition lately, growing from one thing into another, so it is appropriate that the very place I currently call home is in transition today. Although I know that in the grand scheme of things that is a coincidence that has nothing to do with me, I still find it ironic how the universe sometimes works.
We are all just cogs in the wheel, how we approach our lives is the only thing we have control over. This past year has taught me that more than anything. We can’t live each other’s’ lives, we can only live our own. We can’t fight each other’s battles; we can just stand alongside and offer a sword. And if that offer is rejected or not necessary? Then we can walk away with dignity, ready to perhaps step into the fray again if we’re called, but only then.
So, with all that in mind…
Bring on tomorrow…let it shine…