When I grow up….
I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things you have to haul around with you when you’re a grown up
And when I grow up, I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
That you have to fight beneath the bed each night
To be a grown up
When I grow up…
When I grow up…
When I grow up…
Goddess when did I become a grown up? When did “adult” get added to my resume? When did it all start moving so goddess blessed fast?
This one’s harder. I didn’t expect it to be, but it is. I breezed through thirty, and now all the things I expected to feel at thirty are hitting me hard as I turn the corner into 35. But hey, it beats the alternative.
I find myself having to face the reality that my life has not gone as planned. Of course, I don’t think anyone’s does. But the white picket fence version of my life that I somehow always assumed would be my reality by the time I reached this point….that path hasn’t opened up for me. Yet. It will. One day. If it’s meant to. But it hasn’t yet.
And that’s not really the easiest thing for me to face. That’s…hitting me more than a bit sideways at random moments.
But despite the speed, and despite the hardship, 34 has taught me a lot. Those lessons were not easy. They were often not kind. The tracks were rocky, they were hot to the touch, they often brought tears. There were many monsters around many corners and the dragons often roared extremely loud. But with the sours, there also came the sweets. I would be lying if I didn’t say that 34 gave me a lot, I fought for some of it tooth and claw, but I was rewarded none the less. I beat those dragons, I won those battles, and I came out of them a stronger, more confident version of myself that even my own family recognizes as an improvement. 34 taught me that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t save someone who isn’t ready to save themselves. At the same time, it taught me how to reach out a hand to try and help someone, and how to grasp hard in support if that hand is accepted, and how to gracefully retreat if it is not.
My relationship steadied and solidified and returned to me built on a foundation stronger than it was before, and that relationship steadied me to deal with the others. I realised just how much my choices really are mine. Those that I love can guide me, can advise me, but they cannot walk through the doors for me, and much as I may love them, their choices are not mine to make, just as mine are not theirs.
I shed a few more traces of the scared young girl I have always carried with me, and started at long last to step into the woman who’s skirts that child can hide behind. She will always be a part of me that little girl, it would be betraying myself to disown her, and I will look after her, but that doesn’t mean she has to be who I am.
I shed my airline stewardess librarian greys for bouncy nerdy pinstripes and crazy accessories and hello kitty doc martin’s and I embraced the side of me that I’ve always been kind of embarrassed by because who ‘really wants to be bothered with the enthusiasm of a nerd?’. It turns out that I like my crazy colours and bright lights. This is who I am, and this is who I will be for a long time, and if people aren’t okay with that, then I am coming to realize that that really isn’t my problem.
I found new hobbies (and therefore developed new callouses), I got answers to questions that have sat heavily with me for years, and those answers are doubtlessly going to affect the rest of my life.
I fought the monsters under the bed, and bloody hell I won.
Am I a grown up? Perhaps in the eyes of some people, perhaps in the eyes of the law, and yes in some areas I will accept that title: I have a steady job, I have plans for the future, I have a relationship, hell, I pay taxes, I have a visa bill.
But does that make me grown up? No, I don’t really think so. Because I wear pig-tails to work, and I watch animation and I play video games and I get paid to teach people how to do fun things with photography and I turn into a little kid when I’m watching shadow puppets…I travel for a living and I take pictures of a pocket sized my little pony all over the world.
Growing older is required. Growing up? That’s optional.
And after all…
When I grow up, I will eat sweets every day on the way to work
And I will go to bed late every night
Here’s to another 35, and more.