With the holiday season coming upon us so quickly I find myself thinking a lot about tradition these days. What makes a tradition, where do they come from, and deep down, what purpose do they serve when you realize that you may be carrying a tradition for no other reason than “it’s always been this way”.
Not to say, of course, that I don’t think traditions serve a purpose, and so many traditions are beautiful. An equal amount are silly. A great many are both beautiful and silly. But whatever they are, and wherever they come from, they all mean something to the people who carry them. That one thing we did once that made us feel better on a certain day at a certain time can become a thing that we always do on that certain day at that certain time because we remember that it made us feel better. And thus – I think any way- are traditions born.
But that’s exactly the thing isn’t it. It all depends on where you came from, and what’s important to you as an individual. I have realized recently that I tend to be particularly bad for forcing my personal traditions on other people, not out of any real desire for control, but because I somehow think that they should “work” for everyone…and therefore I easily forget that not everyone “works” like me. Not everyone has my roots, or my memories or my particularly wonky state of mind. And I don’t really mean me specifically, I mean anyone, no one is truly in anyone else’s head. We can’t try to put them there. No matter what films, what days, what drinks, what good luck charms are desperately important to us, we can not force or guilt trip them into being important to someone else. No matter how much it might feel like a slap that they don’t instantly accept our good-intentioned warm welcome to join in.
Just as you never know where a tradition comes from, you never know why someone may reject it. I think in this particular case, rejection isn’t necessarily personal, it’s not that the other person is purposely coming down on something dear to you, it’s not that they are rejecting you as an individual, or even your tastes. It’s just that you aren’t them. And they aren’t you. If you think about it logically, it’s quite possible that what’s near and dear to you might bring up quite the opposite feeling for them. You might think that first sip of eggnog Christmas morning is the best thing ever, they might only remember the one time they got really sick from drinking it too fast when they were little. Your joyful tradition may be someone else’s painful bruise.
Not that finding that someone you care about is seemingly allergic to some quirky little tradition you love isn’t a little painful, of course it is, and perhaps that’s understandable…but I’ve been trying to remember what my Mum used to tell me about engagement rings: the thing is not the thing.
I know, that sounds really funny: the thing is not the thing. But it is true. An engagement ring is a symbol, just like most traditions – a symbol of love, a symbol of a moment, a symbol of a feeling, but it is not the thing it symbolizes.
That thing you do? That one thing (and I swear everyone has one), that one thing you do on a specific day no matter what all the time, that throws you in complete shock every time someone doesn’t instantly want to join you in said thing? The one that puts you back with your family, or back to your childhood? It isn’t those things, the film, the music, the photograph, the day…whatever it is…they are not important…the feeling they represent is what’s important.
And guess what? You can do that thing all by yourself, without feeling insulted or hurt that someone won’t come join you in your quirkiness, and you will still have that feeling, and you can still share that feeling with anyone you like…because feelings are free.
And so is love, and all that good stuff.
Keep your traditions, hold to them with time, so that you don’t forget what they remind you of, but please – don’t get so hung up on them that not doing – or heaven forbid changing them – makes you or someone else feel guilty.
Because really…is that what the holidays are supposed to be about?