Wayward Musings – Seattle, USA – [07/16/2018]

Hey look, no cryin’
Though they’ve got one foot out the door
I could be crying’
It ought to hurt a little more
I could resent them, try to prevent them
Whatever for…?

Disclaimer: this has NOTHING to do with anything specific really, just in case anyone ends up wondering, this is just musing on a theme…that is spun from something completely different.

There are some people in your life, that no matter how much you care about them are not meant to stay in your life. Some people simply change too much, perhaps in some ways get beaten down too much, and that leaves them scarred and resentful and you have to ask yourself – can you really handle that level of toxicity in someone you once cared so deeply for. Once loved. You might know that person is there somewhere, and I am a big believer in people being brought back, but there comes a point when you have to accept that even if that is true, that person can no longer be retrieved.

I am …terrible…with keeping in touch. Since I went out to sea my number of true friends back home has dwindled alarmingly and that is mostly – if not totally – my fault. And my job’s fault. It’s difficult and busy out here, and most times lines of communication are literally unavailable. We are an insulated community and reaching out is not always even available to us. So yes, I have fallen by the wayside of most people’s lives. Sometimes even including my own. But there have always been a steadfast few who get it – who understand that this is not a perfect world, and I can’t always do exactly what I want when I want (who can) and that I honestly do the best with what I have. To those few I give everything I’ve got available, I can’t give more than that. No one can.

And when I lose one of those people, in a way that is painful, and probably not reversable, …there is a sorrow there that is …odd. I am sad, yes. But the truth is in these cases almost everyone involved has  somehow been fighting the battle, have been trying to save the situation for so long now, that there is a huge part of me that is weary enough to be relieved in the motion of putting down my sword and raising my hands…and backing away.

I cannot give more than what I have. I acknowledge that what I have may not always be enough, and few know exactly how sad I get about that, how much I wish it were different.  But it’s not, and I can’t. As quite a few of my dear friends are prone to day – I do not have enough spoons.

I started this blog as a means of countering the fact that I am terrible at keeping in touch in other ways. Every single one of the people who is important to me (or even just that I think would be interested) has – at one point or another – been given the link and the password. You can even sign up to get the posts by email. The idea being that I can put the big updates here, and it provides one central place for everyone who wants to keep in touch with me to do so. Something that is quick and easy to access and respond to.

That really really is the best I can usually do.

I’m so sorry if that isn’t enough, I’m so sorry if you need more from me and I am unable to give it. But this is what I have…given my current (not at all negative) circumstances of life, love and employment (that last one is really the one that messes up communication the most).

And for those of you that I have lost, without any intention of doing so, know that I miss you, and you will always ALWAYS have a place in my heart, and be welcome there.