Still Drunk on Apple Wine – Cozumel, Mexico – [12/19/2018]

Hey maybe I’ll dye my hair, maybe I’ll move somewhere
Maybe I’ll get a car, maybe I’ll drive so far they’ll all lose track
Me? I’ll bounce right back

…and dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy Christmas….

I’ll be fine…
I’ll be fine…

There is a level of tired that you reach where you almost feel drunk even if you haven’t been drinking..

I think I have reached that point.

Or it’s possible that I may have passed it…

I was reminded last night that nearly four years ago I planned to leave ships. I was really quite determined about it. And I had my reasons, and the reasons were all totally valid (some of them, in all honesty, are still totally valid, they’ve just been balanced out by other things) – I suspect the only reason that I didn’t follow through (and actually the resignation letter was composed and ready to send at the time) was because I changed jobs, and my current position is in general far more enjoyable, far more bearable and far less stressful. I’ve reached a point where I – for the most part – once again genuinely enjoy my job.

Except this season. This season is hard. Everyone is finding this season hard. Thankfully, I’ve made friends, I’ve made connections, although that took me a while – just like other ships I will walk away from this contract with people I will likely keep for the rest of my natural. And I’m grateful beyond measure for that, because without those connections? I think I’d go mad. At the very least, there is a core group of us that has each other’s backs.

There is so much drama on this ship. It’s exhausting. Navigating it feels like navigating a strong current uphill. We all end up so tired that we feel as if we’d been drinking straight tequila even though we might had one cocktail three hours ago (if that). There is inter-departmental tension that has ramped up to the point where walking into the office almost makes me feel ill. And even though none of it is remotely our fault, the trickle down effects are enormous.

The holidays onboard are difficult emotionally and stressful overall. We fit our Christmas into the slices of time between when we are ‘making’ Christmas for everyone else; and for the most part we are pretty much all willing (with only a small amount of grumbling) to throw ourselves into doing that – it is, of course, part of the job. But every so often things get out of hand. Way out of hand. What should be fun turns into pressure, turns into expectations, turns into reprimands…feelings get trampled on, feather’s get ruffled…true colours shine out.

And that’s when things get messy.

I have long been the type of woman who can handle a lot – throw what you want at me, I’ll whine and moan but I can handle it, but mess with the people I love? Threaten my Pack? Treat them unfairly? Even the peripheral members? That is not something you want to do, especially not when I’m this tired…being empathic on a ship like this one is tough enough, being over-exhausted and empathic and terribly homesick? Recipe for a very on edge Shaughnessy.

And it’s terribly hard to find the Christmas spirit in all this…

But I know it’s there…somewhere…I just have to find it…

If I could just get some sleep, if things would just stop feeling so spirally, I just have to find it…