Every gambler knows the secret to survival
Is knowing what to throw away
And knowing what to keep
Because every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for
Is to die in your sleep…
A while back I wrote about what it was like to be an Empath. It was a fairly honest entry…as clear as I could make it at the time.
What I didn’t mention, is that being an Empath? Seriously sucks. Sometimes. I would say perhaps most of the time. Being cursed with feeling everyone else’s emotion, and therefore with being able to see all sides to almost every situation…it leads to a lot of pain. And a whole helping of extra stress that is most likely the last thing the person needs.
And then there’s the other side of the other side of it: that thing about being able to see all sides? It makes people talk to you. People open up to you. And you end up in the middle.
Always, constantly in the bloody middle.
Oh, tell Shaughnessy, she’ll understand, she’s so good with people. Tell Shaughnessy, she’ll comprimise, she always compromises. Tell Shaughnessy, she’ll do as you ask, she’ll bend over backwards to help anyone, even if it means doing something that she really doesn’t think is the best idea. Shaughnessy can always fix everything.
I swear I should have been born a middle child. Maybe my Mum has two other daughters somewhere that would explain this scenario.
So let me put this out there: Can you trust me? Absolutely. I will take most secrets to the grave. BUT – I am done with being in the middle. As much as I can be. If you come to me with a situation that potentially involves more than one individual, I will do my best to carry what you tell me to the extent that I can. I will try to do my best to make everyone as comfortable as possible. But if I’m put in a position where I’m going to lose no matter what I do? Where I’m going to hurt someone I care about no matter which side of the line I choose? Accept that I am going to do what I think is right. And you know what? It might not be what you want, and it might not be what you ask. That doesn’t mean I care about, or accept you, or respect you any less – but in the end, I have to do what I can live with…I have to do what is going to allow me to sleep at night.
And it’s not fair for anyone, anyone to put me in a position where I’m expected to not do that.
Nor is it something I would try and do to anyone else. I have done it once once, and I had it paid back to me and yes I was furious, and I felt betrayed…but in the end? In the end I understood why that person had done what she’d done, and I understood that I had no right to have put her in that position in the first place, and I have never done that to anyone (at least not on purpose) again.
So go ahead, be angry with me. I can take it, and that’s your right. But we all have to do what we can live with, and we all have to do the best we can by those we love, even if they hate us for it.
Because you might not be happy with the decision that I made, but if you put me in the position where I felt I had to make it…you need to respect my right to do so. And as was said to me years ago, “You may hate me for it, you may never speak to me again…but at least you’ll be alive.”