My world is changing and rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
~ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
I am a big big Christmas person. I always have been. Christmas, to me, is not about the gifts (though who doesn’t like getting presents), it’s about…everything else. The tree, the lights, the smell of baking cookies…it’s about, family, and people, and…reminding yourself that – even when things are at their most tragically complicated -there is still good in the world.
This Christmas though…this Christmas is…well, I’ve had a bit of a harder time keeping sight of that.
For all the joy this year has brought me, there has been a lot of emotional upheaval as well. My family is close; it’s always been just the three of us. Christmas? Christmas has always been even more just the three of us than any other time of year. 35 years worth of traditions and Christmas records and…it’s always been this way. It’s always always been this way. Even when I was away on ships, it was still…always this way.
And then I got married, and suddenly “it’s always been this way”…wasn’t.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to be married!! Despite the hiccups brought about by circumstances out of our control (::ahem:: I’m lookin’ at you red tape and legalities!), we are really happy and life is settling slowly into place. We are adjusting to each other’s quirks and oddities and learning new things about each other every day. We’re facing our challenges head on and embracing our triumphs as a unit, and that’s fantastic.
We have an adorable tree and scented candles and I have my very own Christmas Eve scroll. This afternoon I sat and sifted through my Gran’s recipe book in search of the family sugar cookie recipe (which I couldn’t find so I had to cheat with a recipe from online). We are learning each other’s traditions and figuring out how to build and blend our own and…that’s how it’s supposed to be.
But getting married means that …now we are two. And now …we are four. Where there has always been three, there are now two separate – but intricately connected – pairs. And as it turns out ,building our own traditions is both amazing and a little bit intimidating. Where do you start? What do you keep? What do you move on from? How do I keep my heart from breaking just a little when everything does change? How do I find the balance between taking joy in what is and feeling sorrow for what has been (potentially) left behind?
It’s not necessarily a bad thing; and in reality it’s just a new adventure. It’s just proving a little more difficult than any of us involved expected.
But the important thing is that I’m home. That we are all home. All the people I care about are in one place, and while things aren’t the way they have always been, they are changing into something that’s equally as beautiful.
And this afternoon, when I was standing in the kitchen with flour on my apron and my hands sticky with cookie dough, and the King’s Singers Christmas album playing…I finally got just the glimmer, the reassurance that yes, things change, but that doesn’t mean they go away.
And under it all, at the heart of it, I am still just sitting here…looking at the Christmas lights…and enjoying my oranges.
Because it will come, one way or another, without packages, boxes or bags….