And you! Don’t make a habit outta that you know there are other ways of getting attention! ~ Tarzan
I am honestly not quite sure how to begin this; it feels very important that I write it down, if only for myself, but I don’t know exactly where to start it.
Let’s try this: yesterday I had a very big scare. One of those ‘throws everything into stark prospective scares’, I mean, not cancer level or anything but…
Dammit, this isn’t working…
Let’s try the band-aid method: Yesterday I could have died.
I don’t mean that in the metaphorical “live every day as if it’s your last sense” (or as Buffy said once “seize the moment, because tomorrow you could be dead”), no I mean it literally. If it had not been for Amras’ swift and timely intervention, I’m honestly not sure what would have happened or how things would have played out. I suspect I would have – at the very least – ended up in medical.
It was just lunch! I mean, how dangerous can a hamburger be? It’s not as if I am allergic to anything. But something got swallowed the wrong way – which at first, did not seem like a big deal, these things happen after all. But the usual cough to clear whatever it is from my throat did nothing, and then suddenly…I couldn’t breath. Amras said later that I managed one great big gasp and then there was nothing. Just….nothing. It felt like my throat had filled up with some kind of expanding foam, leaving not an ounce of room for anything to get through anywhere. It couldn’t have been more than a split second between when I realized I couldn’t breathe and when Amras started moving but it felt like much much longer…time just kind of…stretched out and slowed down…like toffee being pulled thin. So many things went through my head…top of which was of course “oh my god, I can’t breathe….why can’t I breathe”…followed by “why doesn’t someone do something…please please someone do something….”
But the world didn’t stop, didn’t notice…didn’t see anything. There were guests sitting right next to us, who didn’t notice anything until the danger was already passed. Because one thing that I never thought of before this happened, is that when you’re choking, you don’t make any noise – because you can’t. There’s just…nothing, you can’t even speak. You can’t swallow, you can’t do anything.
And then Amras was there, looking at me, reading my face….
Is this real? Do you need it?
I don’t remember nodding, I do remember putting my hands to my throat. That was all he needed; he stepped around behind the chair and gave me the Heimlich (not a comfortable thing to receive) and pounded on my back hard, until eventually the little tiny thing that was blocking my throat dislodged and I was able to start dragging in these long wet-sounding ragged breaths. Throughout this process once of the weird thoughts that was going through my head was “oh no, I’m going cause everyone so much trouble!”
That’s about when time started moving properly again.
Amras sat down next to me, watched me drink some water, and made sure I was actually breathing clear…then got up and walked off without a word. He returned about five minutes later with a cup of earl grey tea – heavy on the cream and sugar, and just put it in front of me.
That boy knows me he does.
I’m…I’m…not really hungry anymore…
There’s bread pudding…
Yes…that could…be okay…something soft…very soft…
I was still shaking about an hour later. I almost had to turn it into something funny – even though it wasn’t funny – just so that I could go back to work.
I am okay. This could have been substantially worse, it could have been tragically worse I suppose. But I don’t think I have ever been that frightened ever before, and I don’t want to be ever again. People say that when you think you are going to die your life flashes in front of your eyes. I’m not sure that’s exactly how I would put it, but it’s amazing how much you can think in what is properly just a few short seconds. I do remember clearly thinking “I could pass out here, the next time I wake up, if I wake up , I could wake up in medical”…
I am still frightened. Even now, 24 hours later, it’s still with me. I don’t really know how long it will stay with me. I think this is one of those things that simply does not leave you. It’s going to be one of those stories that keeps circling back: the day my husband saved my life in the middle of the pool deck…