Maybe Tomorrow….[10/21/2011]

“ They say they built the train tracks over the alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip, they built it anyway… they knew that one day the train would come…any arbitrary turning along the way, and I would be elsewhere, I would be different.~ – Under the Tuscan Sun

Apologies, this is going to be an odd entry for those few of you who read this without having known me for long…(and I don’t necessarily mean in the chronological sense)

Not so very long ago, I was the kind of person who was petrified when she didn’t have a plan. I sought to control my life in order to feel in control of something. So much had happened, some of it very early in my life, that I didn’t know how to trust in the universe, more importantly I didn’t know how to trust myself. Let alone anyone else.

I’m not sure if it was coming to ships that changed that. I’m not sure it was the salt in the air that cleared my head, or learning how to live out of two suitcases and a carry-on that taught me what was really important. I’m not even sure when it changed. But somehow, I look in the mirror now and I realize that it has. There’s a reason this blog is called Where The Waves Take Me, and it’s not only because my paycheque is so reliant on where head office decides to send me. It’s a mindset. I only realized very, very recently – as in within the last few days – that I’ve somehow grown to fit my own catch phrase.

You’ll change a very dear friend said to me recently, you’ll change in ways you can’t even imagine…

For the first time in my life, I have no idea where my life is going to go. For the first time, that doesn’t terrify me. Until recently, I would still gnaw my fingers to the bone if I didn’t know my next contract, a month and a half before the end of the current one. I would panic at not being able to plan four months ahead. Now, I can find out that I may well have lost the dream contract I thought was guaranteed to me, I can have my entire future thrown upside down through reasons not even my own, and be looking at the positive aspects of the alternatives within hours of having the rug pulled out from under me. If I don’t get to go to Antarctica? Well then I’m meant to be somewhere else…

I look in the mirror and I realize there’s something different. I’ve shed something, gained something. My hair has even started growing again….

I used to wonder…I used to wonder what I would be if a lot of things hadn’t happened to me. Now I don’t wonder anymore, because I’ve become the kind of person I always wanted to be…

These days, I build my train-tracks simply because I have faith that one day the train will come…

And I’m becoming more and more the kind of woman who would, if offered the right set of circumstances, might one day buy a villa in Tuscany…

 Maybe tomorrow, I’ll wanna settle down, until tomorrow the whole world is my home….

This entry was posted in Below the waterline, Grand Asia/Australia 2011, Reflections. Bookmark the permalink.

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