Where Are We To Go…Where Are We Ever To Go? – Day…? At Anchor – [04/27/2020]

No more questions,
No more tests
Comes the day you say “what for?”
Please…no more..
[….]
Running away, go to it
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care, unless there’s a where
You’ll only be wandering blind
Just more questions, different kind
~ Into the Woods

Well, I have begun this entry about 3 times and had to start over because that’s how fast everything changes out here! I am consolidating several days into one entry so bear with me.

First things first, we are now on the ship of one of our sister lines (different brand, same parent company). We are comfortable and well cared for, and getting here was a long and complicated journey (which involved a rather unpleasant few days on one of our other sister ships), including two very uncomfortable very bouncy tender rides.

You see, we can’t do transfers in port (once again thank you CDC), so the entire repatriation shuffle has to take place off shore. This means that everyone and everything has to be ferried by tender back and forth from ship to ship. As far as I know they formed a human chain of sorts to get everyone’s luggage down the stairs and into the tenders and then hopped us in one by one. That first tender ride from our original ship to the intermediate ship? That was scary…we were basically in open ocean, and the ships were miles apart, those were some pretty big waves to be in a boat that tiny! I found myself thinking “oh, this is what all of those emergency training exercises are to prepare us for”…

I don’t think I ever want to see a tender again for a long while.

We were housed on the intermediate ship for two pretty uncomfortable days. The reason they were so uncomfortable was simply because no one knew we were coming. We had been diverted from our original destination because the seas had gotten too rough for our sister line to continue their tender operations. Because no one knew we were coming, there were no cabins for us for the first hour, no water for the whole first afternoon, no real air conditioning to speak of and we were confined to quarters. I know it was no one’s fault, there are always glitches in operations like this, and the people were very kind to us, but it was probably the most distasteful two days I’ve ever spent onboard a vessel. Hopefully a situation that is not to be repeated any time soon.

After that we were moved here, to the sister line. The much much bigger fancier sister line.

Now, you would think that everything was all sunshine and roses after that but not so much. There were still a lot of hiccups to be worked out. First, this line’s policy (and who knows, maybe fleet-wide policy by this point) is that spouses are quarantined separately from each other, so – after months of dealing with this emotional rollercoaster side by side, Amras and I are now in separate living quarters. Needless to say we are not particularly pleased about this. However, the worst of it has been mitigated by the fact that – since we all came from green ships, we have been stepped down from “quarantine” to “self-isolation” meaning that as long as we keep masks on, we are allowed to leave the cabins for scheduled meal breaks and such. It’s not much, it’s not great, but it’s something at least.

The people here have been super kind and very accommodating. The spaces are nice and we all have some kind of natural light (those of us who transferred all have verandahs, and I believe many others do as well). The food, now that we no longer have to rely on room service, is excellent. Especially for those of us who have been eating way more Asian style food than we would normally be used to for the last little while. It was a blessing to walk into the buffet line last night and see what I think of as comfort food. And fruit. Lots of fruit. They’ve also given us swag bags with colouring sheets and chocolate and bingo cards and trivia. Really, they’ve been brilliant. We’re super looked after here…

But…that all said….it’s really only our location that’s changed.

As for what all of you may be wondering: I have no idea what happens next or when we’re leaving. As far as I know this is now the “North American Hotel Ship” that is just kind of holding onto us until they figure out what to do with us.

I know that the rest of the fleet – including our original ship – have zipped off in different directions to take our crew members from other countries closer to their homes. I will admit, that was a tough one, for over a month we’ve looked out our window and seen the same handful of ships. We’ve become our own little neighbourhood. And we’ve been with the same people onboard. Always the same people. We didn’t always know everyone by name, but we knew all the faces. Truth is, most of us didn’t want to leave any of those people behind. But the only way to get us all home was to split us all up. So now…now, we’re at a different anchorage, and there are far fewer of us and all different. Our nightly chorus of horns is smaller now, I’m actually not even sure that I heard it last night. But then, it was a strange and very busy day, it’s possible that I just wasn’t outside at the right time.

This ship is much much bigger than the ones we are used to. We leave our cabins and I feel like I have to spend about ten minutes just figuring out where to go. We have been welcomed like guests, but we still feel like refugees. Pulled out of our own environment, unsure of what’s happening to us, unsure of where we even belong.

So, we don’t know.

I know the CDC is still not allowing any of us entry. I know that there are people fighting for us, and that we are all fighting for each other.

I know that…this is hard. I know that I am a strong person who right now does not feel strong anymore. I know I feel lost, and frightened and confused. I know I have good days and bad days. I know we all do. I know I would be even more lost if Amras wasn’t at least on the same ship with me even though he’s a hallway apart from where I am right this moment. I know that I have gone through rage, through exhaustion all the way into “I just can’t…” and that it’s taken a while for me to get to that point. I know that I am trying so hard to stay positive and remind myself daily that this will end but that I’ve reached the point where I’m saying “I don’t like this ride anymore and I would like to stop now”. And I’m accepting that feeling like that is okay…because I think any sane person in this kind of situation would feel the same. I’m pretty sure that’s what how most of the world is feeling right now.

But as for the rest of it? As for when any of that will change? I just…don’t know.

So for now, we’re safe, we’re taken care of, we are fed and entertained…

We just…don’t know what’s happening to us.

And for now, that’s our new normal.

And the one thing I know more than anything else? You’ve still got to be kind babies, you’ve still got to be kind

No more giants, waging war
Can’t we just pursue our lives with our children and our wives?
Till that happy day arrives how do you ignore?
All the witches? All the curses?
All the wolves, all the lies the false hopes the goodbyes the reverses?
All the wondering what even worse is still in store?
All the children…
All the giants…
Just…No More….