Every so often, something in your status quo changes. Something small, that brings a tiny bit of sparkle back into what – even in my very unusual life – can be a dreary day to day existence.
It’s a well known fact that the CD on the flagship World does not allow crew to perform (outside of the cast of course), we can’t dance with each other (though we’re encouraged to stumble through a fox-trot with the guests, or lead them in something as ridiculous as the electric slide), and if the opportunity were ever to arise, we most certainly are not allowed to sing.
Ever.
This has always presented a bit of a challenge for me, ever since I joined the flagship, one of the only major challenges I have being part of the world cruise team. When I first met Rachelle what seems like eons ago now (and which I suppose was, in ship time), I started to introduce myself as the singing librarian, which is actually my nick-name on other ships..
Oh wait, but …not here. Not allowed here.
Then why on earth are you still here?
Variety of reasons…
I am, at heart, a performer. It’s what gets inside me, it’s what lights me up and for four months out of the year, I usually have to go without it. While everyone onboard knows I sing (especially since some of our guests heard me in the Piano bar when I was performing with Stryker on the Grand Asia), very few have actually heard me. And then suddenly, the unbendable CD bends his rules.
Sir, its karaoke tonight isn’t it?
I believe so…at 9:30…
I know, I know you don’t normally allow crew to sing, but would you consider making a onetime exception?
Well…if there’s not a lot of people waiting up there…yeah…go for it
Which is how I found myself standing in the middle of the dance floor, my hands trembling as I wrapped them around a microphone for the first time in nearly two months. My throat went dry, my heart rate turned over and I could feel the eyes of the DJ in the booth behind me boring into between my shoulder blades “come on kid, you can do it.”. You see, every time I get out in front of people, despite the fact that I’ve been doing it most of my life, I’m terrified, my mind switches into a horrible ‘what if’ mode the moment before I take that first deep breath and open my mouth, “what if I forget the words” “what if my voice cracks” “what if I can’t remember the first note of the next phrase”, whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif…
So I close my eyes and I take a deep steadying breath, and as usual, I replace the people in the audience with people that I want there, with my parents, with my Siblings, with Simeon, and Rachelle, and Sherra and the dozens of other people out there who support me in this crazy dream that I keep in my heart despite all odds. People don’t realize that I do this before every performance, no matter how small or unimportant, I do go through the same thing before a karaoke number as I do before a full scale production. I don’t see the audience I’m actually in front of, I see my audience.
And then the music comes in underneath me, and picks me up and calms my nerves and suddenly there’s that heady moment when everyone who was previously sitting at the bar not really paying attention snaps their head towards me as one and the murmurs of shock start “where in the world did she come from…?”. And then the shock wears off, and the applause start, and within four bars, the energy loop has established itself, my hands stop shaking, my throat returns to normal and I am reminded once again that this is what I do, this is who I am.
And all at once, it’s over. The applause wash over me and I realize I am still shaking, but this time it’s from joy, and from pride in a job well done. I make my way to the bar, gasping for ice water because my throat is still parched, only to be intercepted half-way there by the DJ who picks me up off the floor and spins me around “my god! I didn’t know you could do that.”
Now, one more group of guests knows my well-kept secret…
I’m definitely not ‘just’ a librarian…