Salt Touched

I should be packing, considering that I leave in under a week; I should really be packing, and reviewing my notes – because at this point I have very little idea what I’m supposed to be teaching (not to mention that I’m going to have at least one person from the computer company that actually runs the workshop onboard)…there are many things I should be doing

But I’m not doing any of them…instead, I’m rediscovering the local library ; and finally got myself a new library card. I’m throwing myself into the newest murder mystery by JD Robb, and thinking what fantasy novels I should recommend for their collection (they admit themselves that the selection in the central branch is sad, as they have no librarian who is specialized in that area), and working overtime on my embroidery pattern, and enjoy coffee dates in the sunshine. And renewing old friendships, and even re-establishing myself with my old online My Little Pony collecting community.

I’m looking up recipes for apple muffins and apple candy and apple bread (er, we had a large crop of apples from our two trees this season)..

In short, I am contentedly denying that in a few weeks’ time my two months’ vacation will come to an end, always too fast.

And…learning a lot about myself.

I do tend to learn a lot, when I’m in my cave, when I’m hiding in my books and journals.

Such as – it doesn’t matter what other people think of the choices in your life, because they’re your choices. No one else can make those choices for you, and no one can force you to make them. Don’t put someone else’s needs above your own, no matter how much you love them, don’t make yourself weaker for the sake of someone else’s strength; but don’t be so strong as to break.

And now, I’m done with hiding, your life is your own, stand for it, stand by it…as I shall do my best to stand by mine.

Although, I will still continue to lose myself in whatever book falls into my hands…at least for another few weeks.

Horizon rising up to meet the purple dawn
Dust demon screamin’
Bring an eagle to lead me on
For in my heart I carry such a heavy load
Here I am, on man’s road
~ The Last Unicorn

or

You know when you come across one of those empty shell people, and you think “What the hell happened to you?” Well there came a time in each one of those lives where they are standing at a crossroads… someplace where they had to decide whether to turn left or right.

~ Under the Tuscan Sun

This summer I have found myself at a crossroads. They are places of great power, crossroads; places where stories change, songs are dreamt, souls are sold and decisions are made that will forever change the course of your life. They are the junctions of the train-tracks, they are the places where we must pause and take stock and decide what we are and are not willing to accept.

I’ve been faced with decisions, some bigger than I ever could have anticipated before I opened the door and welcomed them in. Would I have pulled on that handle if I had known what was waiting on the other side? I think so, as difficult as the road I’m walking currently is, I can see the destination, and it’s a good one.  Once that door was opened, the sunshine started to ease its way through, the fresh air came and the cobwebs and previously unnoticed shadows began to clear. The light stings my eyes and sometimes they may water a bit, but yes, I would always welcome the sunshine.

I do not believe in making yourself miserable so that “one day” you will be happy, that is foolish; but I also do not believe instant gratification, just as I do not believe in instant forgiveness; trust needs to be earned, problems need to be addressed, resolution and forgiveness (including, perhaps most importantly, self-forgiveness) is a mutually given gift, not an assumption. It should be respected as such.  I have become better over the years at drawing my boundaries in the sand, lines which I will allow no one to cross, and while sometimes I have been dearly tempted to erase those boundaries, I know that that way lies only self-doubt and ultimately self-loathing, I’ve been down that road, I was lucky enough to come back from it. From that point on, if people wanted to accept me, they had to do so with respect to those lines in the sand.

That is what crossroads are about for me; maintaining and respecting the lines in the sand. Giving myself space to act on them and redraw them if necessary.

Sometimes, you have to play the long game. Sometimes, you do what everyone else says is wrong because your heart knows it’s right. Just knows it, at bone level. But roads are not always easy…mirages are frequent, and traintracks can shift suddenly. The trick is to accept that.

And to know yourself well enough to realize how you personally deal with crossroads decisions. Much as it sometimes might sting, much as it is sometimes difficult, you have to ultimately do what’s best to protect yourself. For me? I pull back; I become an oyster, much like one of my always present book characters:

“There are stories that are true, in which each individual’s tale is unique and tragic, and the worst of the tragedy is that we have heard it before, and we cannot allow ourselves to feel it too deeply. We build a shell around it like an oyster dealing with a painful particle of grit, coating it with smooth pearl layers in order to cope. This is how we walk and talk and function, day in, day out, immune to others’ pain and loss. If it were to touch us it would cripple us or make saints of us; but, for the most part, it does not touch us. We cannot allow it to.” ~ American Gods

So I become an oyster, for a while, just a little while. Comparatively, sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days, in one extreme case, a crossroads took me years. But the thing I need to remember  and that those around me need to know  –– is that I don’t stop living as a result, I don’t become miserable or any kind of an extreme really, I just become cautious, and more importantly I always come out of it, and ultimately, once the repairs are finished, and the work is done, things are always stronger than they were before.

I have learned to be very patient with myself when it comes to crossroads.

Situations end, circumstances, relationships, they change. I have learned to let them change, to accept that change as it is taking place without forcing it to move faster than it comfortably can, while keeping an eye perhaps, on the next station along the tracks.

And hell, no matter how serious things get? No matter which path you’re walking? Enjoy the ride!

I’m wide awake
Not losing any sleep
Picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I’m wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no
~ Katy Perry

Sometimes it takes getting lost to be found. Sometimes it takes having your world pull the rug out from under you to find your strength. Sometimes, you have to have your eyes opened for you, and make the hard choices, and walk the train tracks alone in order to one day catch the hand you’re supposed to hold again.

Nothing in this life is simple. But I’m coming to the conclusion that it isn’t meant to be. I am coming to the realization that while there are so many things, and people, worth fighting for, you can’t fight that battle for someone else, you can’t hold someone else’s sword. Stand at their side yes, give them aid, support, even instruction, but you can’t walk into the trenches for them. And the more you try, the more pain you’re going to find yourself in, the more lost you will become. That is not to say that you shouldn’t fight at all, that’s not to say that you should do everything you can to protect your own, and to save what you think is worth saving. But you must accept your own bravery, and find your own courage, even if the consequences of that courage take you on a different path than you perhaps hoped, or perhaps expected.

Only you can choose your path. No matter how much someone else loves you, they can’t make that choice for you. Take advice, take love, take care, but make the choice on your own, walk it with confidence, and accept the outcome of your choice, no matter what it may be; make that decision when the time comes. Don’t try and protect the future when it hasn’t happened yet, and don’t try and predict it either. Anyone who tells you they have that ability perfected is lying to you or selling something.

You are in control of your destiny. Your fate is shaped by your own choices no one else’s. You are the sum of your choices, and your memories.

There are those that say that people can’t change. I am not one of those people.  I think anyone can change, if they truly want to, but they have to want to. You cannot change, you cannot grow, if you harbour a seed within yourself that thinks it’s the rest of the world that needs to change not you. You cannot change if you resent.

So no, nothing in this life is simple. Life is extremely complicated, and messy, and painful and joyous and it’s all about what you focus on. A rich man may turn up his nose at the wrong kind of caviar, and yet a waitress living paycheque to paycheque or worse will go to sleep grateful that she was able to afford to treat herself to ice cream and a roof over her head.

Choices, cause and effect, it all comes down to the same thing.

And when you think you’ve come to the end of your path, take a long hard look; you’ll find there’s a fork in the road. There’s a way around. It may not be the way you want, it may not be the one you hoped for, but there will always be a way. Keep your eyes on the long game, keep your eyes on the horizon, let that pull you forward.

Let yourself be brave.

Let yourself be scared.

Realize that you can be both.

Draw your lines in the sand and stand by them, but be kind to those who may not be aware of them.

Put in the work to build the bridges you need, find others to work alongside you, but always accept your share.

And above all remember that the happy ending can’t come in the middle of the story…and no matter how lost you are, no one stays lost forever.

Close your eyes and fold your hands my friends, it really is all gonna be alright…one way or another, it’s always all gonna be alright.