And I don’t understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there’s no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away but it’s a great escape… ~ Blind Melon ‘No Rain’
Getting reacquainted takes time. It always does. This time more than most, for reasons that I don’t even quite understand myself. The changes that dry-dock have brought that make the entire ship feel physically different are likely not the least of the reasons…the others are…I don’t know, I haven’t totally figured them out yet. Perhaps I’m not meant to yet. Perhaps I just don’t want to. Who knows.
Whatever the reasons, I’m off kilter. Way off my rails. And these days that’s not really like me.
So it’s times like this I hold fast to my personal traditions. I’m a geek girl, I have made no secrets of this. I’m a recluse, and a hermit and I’m exceptionally good at it, though I have…recently made some small forays into the world of being social. On the flagship though? On this contract where my workload has doubled and it suddenly seems like a bit…too much…well, the recluse comes out more than a little.
I was born an only child. The fact that I’ve been fortunate enough to collect two siblings whom I love probably more dearly than actual blood relatives, along the course of my adult life doesn’t change that. At heart? Deep down? I will always be an only child. The little girl who grew up on a block with no other kids, who learned early that she was smart and that life could be a lonely, messy business if you let it? She found her friends elsewhere.
She found her books.
The fact that I work in a library is not a coincidence. It’s my strength. Those titles whisper to me, comfort me, wrap their words around me and remind me that as long as I can read…I can escape. As long as I can read, I’m not alone. Not ever.
And there are many, many times, when I cannot express how grateful I am for that…
Because sometimes…out here? Being alone in the crowd is simply an accepted reality.
(this isn’t directed at anyone, or a rebuke to anyone by the way, it’s important that all of you know that…which I’m sure you all do…but y’know…just in case 🙂 )