Any Turning…. – Victoria, BC – [03/24/2019]

They say they built the train tracks over the Alps, between Vienna and Venice, before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day the train would come. Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different. What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game…it’s such a surprise! ~ Under the Tuscan Sun

…Such a surprise…

There have been many times in my life where I have “stopped” being something. I am no longer a child. I am no longer a student. I am – in the technical sense – no longer a Dancer. I am no longer a librarian. I was, for a time, no longer sure I was a performer.

And yet, those are all countered by the things I am. By the things I will become.

We are all made up of the pieces of the things we once were, the pieces of the things we carry with us, and the things that we will be in the next minute, the next hour, the next …everything. We are the sum of our memories and the sum of our future selves. We are nothing short of exactly the total of ourselves in that particular moment in time. And no one, not even the bravest physic, can possibly predict what comes after that moment.

So why then, do we fear? Especially that which we know we cannot control.

My life, just at the moment, is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Just when I think it’s steadied out, something seems to happen to knock it that little bit off kilter; but I’m coming to realize that that’s everyone’s life. Everyone is on their own private rollercoaster. Some of us are lucky enough to have a tandem car, but that does mean the speeds change, or that the loops and rolls are any slower.

There are a lot of big changes a little further down the tracks for me. Not just the wedding, although that is definitely at the height of the list, along with many of the things that go with it, but other things. There are changes at work happening that once again have me wondering if it’s perhaps time to rachet in the wings and work a bit more on putting down some roots. That’s not necessarily something that’s due to happen in the immediate future, but something that I have recently realized I do need to be prepared for. After all, investing in a hard-hat doesn’t necessarily mean the sky is going to fall, but is helpful should such a thing occur.

I have a hard-wired tendency to spiral when things get hard, I am forever afraid that something will happen to topple my own personal apple cart and leave me a frail old woman without even a cat. And yet…when things like this occur, I eventually remind myself that in my whole life, I have never had fate, the universe, whatever you want to refer to it by, fail me…something has always come thorugh, something has always worked out.

The train has always come.

So…I suppose I just get to keep walking, moment by moment, so that I can catch it at the next station.