Salt Touched

“A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by…
It’s about one moment, that moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment, the things that you’re sure of
Slip from your hand
And you got one second, to try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing’s the same…” ~ Songs for a New World

It is never an easy decision to make a drastic change in one’s life, one must weigh the options, test the pros and cons, have endless debates with oneself about whether or not this is really what you want…if this is really what is good for you. I suppose it’s one of those things that goes with being a “grown up” – no matter how close the other people in your life are to you, no matter how much they care, they can do nothing but express opinions and concern – only you can make the final call, as it is ultimately your life, your career, your whatever.

So it was that I found myself in my Hotel Director’s office this morning, making the statement that – if you’d asked me two years ago – I never would have thought I’d say:

Sir, I think next year the flagship library will be in someone else’s hands.

My decision to take a sabbatical (and yes, it is only a sabbatical, I am not looking for this to be permanent) from the flagship has not come easily; it is a hard won decision, reached after almost a year of flipping back and forth on the options. Leaving will put me back into the regular rotation (Note: I am NOT leaving ships, I am NOT quitting, or going to land, I am merely leaving the flagship), will mean I work the same contracts with the same breaks as all the other librarians in the fleet. It will mean longer contracts but shorter cruises and fewer sea days. In short, it’s a reset button. One I’m realizing that I need more than I thought I did.

The flagship contracts are shorter (four months as opposed to the standard six) but there are different – sometimes more accurate – ways to measure things than length, and though shorter they are much much more difficult and I come away from them more exhausted. There have been extreme management changes in Head Office, and when Toffy departed my management team I lost an invaluable ally, the introduction of the dual position means that I am doing what was once a four person (two internet reps, two librarians) job alone – and while that is more than doable and I am certainly competent and capable enough for it, I have been finding more and more that I dislike the person it seems to be turning me into. I miss the woman I am over the summer, with her easy smile and ready laugh. I’m starting to not see her when I look in the mirror, and I don’t want to lose her forever when I’ve only just found her again.

There are other factors of course – aren’t there always? There have been shifts in my “off page” life that I always knew – if they were to occur – would be game-changers. Turns out I was right about that too.

I’ll be sad to leave of course, this library is my baby, I have built her – or rather rebuilt her – nearly from the ground up. I have been given free reign here for the last three years (the first two years I was really still learning the job), and as such the flagship collection contains a wider variety of titles than any other in the fleet. But I have to believe that she will be left in capable hands while I am away. I am important, I know that, but I am still merely one in a million cogs that keep this great ship running, and my replacement will surely bump into place after a while.

I’ve known this was coming for a while now, I started considering it last year and I’ve been considering it ever since, it’s just that recently all the factors culminated to tell me that yes, it was time, this was right for me.

So, come May, it will be time for this gypsy to start – once again – seeing what’s beyond the next hill.

Carnivale, anyone?