I was never really part of it. It was just something that I did okay? ~ A League of their Own
Has it really been almost two years?
The memories that are starting to crop up on my social media feed are starting to show the comments of “hey are you guys okay out there? Scary news with all this virus stuff”
Two years ago we still thought everything was going to be fine, that we were well out of harms way. I mean heck, we were in Antarctica! I was perfecting my attempts at taking pictures of seals!
It just…never occurred to any of us.
Back by Christmas, it was all supposed to be “back” by Christmas.
Now the line I used to work for barely even has an entertainment program anymore…and the job I used to love is gone like the wind.
How did two years go so…fast?
But in reality? Sure, I miss it. I’ll always miss it. But the honest truth is that I was ready to leave. I didn’t expect to leave under those circumstances (I mean hell, who did?), but I was ready to leave. The job had gotten to the point where it was starting to feel unbalanced, where it was starting to be something I did just for the money and no longer for the joy. There were a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of tears at the airport, I was no longer excited to fly…it was just something that I did.
I’m never going to not mourn for what was. You can’t have a life like we did for as long as we did and not miss it. In some ways, it still feels like I’m missing a limb. I’ll see a travel commercial and go “oh yeah I’ve…been there” and there’s always always going to be some bittersweet to that. I miss when it was joyful, and I’d be foolish if I tried to pretend that wasn’t the case. Because I can’t lie, I was part of it, it was a part of me. And I’m sure that even years from now, there will be days when I still shed a tear for it..
But as time keeps trundling forward, I try and make myself look at the memories for the amazing things that they are; even if there a little bit…painful sometimes. 11 years, and I saw more in just one of those years than most people see in a lifetime. I climbed the Great Wall of China, canoed down the Amazon, tasted rum in Hawaii, saw belly dancers in the Arabian Desert…there was so …so much. Most people…barely even step outside their backyard…or are lucky enough to see even one of those places.
In a few short months, I’ll be turning forty. I have to stare that in the face and admit that it scares me more than a little. That’s a big milestone number…and somehow there’s an awful lot of baggage that comes with it.
But some of that baggage? Yes, some of it is battle-scars, some of it is pain, but a lot of it? A lot of it is souvenirs from a really amazing first part of my life.
Of the days I thought would never end…and of the days that are yet to come.